Celebs Hot, News Not, Words Get Shorter

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Sunday, 19 February 2023

image for Celebs Hot, News Not, Words Get Shorter
No News is Still News, says News!

Yayahaoo News has reported that 90% of all news in “the near future” will become news about celebrities. Only.

No more boring stories about fascist dictators, or who’s poisoning the environment, or who got assassinated by someone who has lots of money or who is implanting devices into people’s brains … why would you want that kind of crap when you can hear about …

Who’s dating Who? (or is it Whom?)

Who’s pregnant, about to be pregnant, took TikToks of themselves pregnant, sang at half-time pregnant?

Who’s having an affair? How much does your fav celeb make every minute of the day while you slave and starve?

Who’s gotten new lipo and who’s tits are real?

Who shot who during a film shoot, but is still doing the sequel? Who won an award for best award winner? Who will be starring in the latest blockbuster vehicle for a radical new sports drink – tons of product placement means Oscars!

And even when those ‘news’ items about celebrities are written, the ‘journalists’ won’t be using too many words. In this age of the text message, people don’t have time to read the whole message (they probably haven’t made it this far, so I can spew vitriol at the bastards!), so all ‘stories’ will be written in emojis, abbreviations, and be as poorly spelled and ungrammatical is this here sotry!

Hot Pix Sicks Six … Glam Ru Polls Primetime … Who’s Hot Who’s Not Who? … Wham Blam Scam Flim-Flam … and many more nonsensical headlines that tell you nothing but make you want to read more! That’s all they want you to do, turn the page and pretend you know what’s going on …

Also on the journalistic chopping block: writing as though for children. “And the president said his suit was by Gabbo & Taylor, and he was very happy and his wife was happy because she was wearing a new perfume by Plinko & Scabbe … and they all had a nice dinner and went home to watch movies and all your fav TV shows! Buy stuff!” (That was a poorly placed subliminal message.)

End of story, flip page, check FB/Twit/Insta …

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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