Caption Competition

Hey junior, I hope you haven't bought me another razor for Christmas this year.

And remember what I said last year about it not being nice to give a lady soap.

I've got a bar of soap and a nice razor going cheap if anyone's interested!

What a stupid place to leave a camera!

Quite so Billy, dear.

Can I eat it? Can I? Can I mother? Please..Aww Please

No dear.

*Winks at Daddy Goat* We had not noticed, HAD WE DEAR?

Mother.....Father....Why am I the only kid with a horn sticking out of my butt?

MMMmmmm So thats how Humans do it

Junior...SHUT YOUR EYES!

What are they doing mom?

When he bends down to get into the tent, junior you run and butt him in the butt

You two are acting like a couple of kids!

O.K. Dad.....I like this game.

Ask your mother.

Ask your father.

Oh, someone please tell me what a wether is!

What is it son?

Yes....What is it son?

I dont know, but it only has one eye and I am not gonna be the first to blink!

Alright son what have you done this time?

Dont be so hard on him Billy.

It was like that when I got here...Honest Dad!

You tell em Shroty!

Billy, will you PLEASE stop calling Junior, that horrid name!

One Move and the Bunny gets it!

Ha! He's got you there dear.

Eerrrrmmmmm....

Mother, You know Fathers name is Billy.So I was thinking can I be Billy the Kid?

New balls please...Tee he he.

The one who always looks like he is in pain dear.

Mom..Which one is Andy Murry?

I'm going down the Pub.

That's nice dear.

Mom...I think I am gay.

Have we all got it?...I will eat the plants in the Pub car park

I chew on the hanging baskets

And I do an 'all you can eat' in the beer garden.

O.K. On the count of three...Riverdance!

X Factor, here we come!

But Dad...My hooves hurt!

Look over der it's himself!

Wow! It's Paddy McGinty!

Who?

Awwwwwwwww come on!

MEN!

That was never off side..was it Dad?

Glastonbury is the best festival in the world son..Trust me!

I hope Leonard Cohen is here this year.

Dad, I wana go to the Pyramid Stage and Kidz Field

Junior..Get it friggin right will you or you will never get into musicals!!

Please do not shout Billy. Son it's, High on a hill was a lonely goatherd..

Not 'goat turd' then mom?..Sorry..It's just the guys in school sing those words.

I think mine gives me an air of distinction,

My Lady Shave is in for a service.

What are you two like?..Those beards are so 90's

Just give it a chance son.

I have started 'pulling' to the right when I run.

Dad, this new age red ear jewellery is never going to catch on you know

"Don't worry son, you'll soon be as horny as we are!"

"Oh really Father!"

"Okay!!

"..and I'm telling you he is Welsh!"

"........how can you be so sure?"

...."either way armageddon outta here fast!!"

This is ridiculous. We're not reindeer, we're goats

Mark couldn't find a picture of reindeer. Wish them a merry Christmas Rudolph

Merry Christmas spoofers!

"I wonder why we have been tagged?"

"So the farmer doesn't lose us dear?"

"Nar... it's to remind the Spoofer's to tag their spoofs!"!"

Trust us to get lumbered with the chav Nativity play

Well, apparently they couldn't find 'three wise men'

...yeh, and someone's already smoked the 'myrrh'.

Where's he going to?

He he no son it's called a T-O-G-A party. It's what the Romans wore

Mum the farmer's going to a GOAT party dressed as a Roman

"Another Save the Goat photographer! It's so annoying!"

"I hope he doesn't want to to 'Occupy the Goat'"

"Aw, don't let him get your Goat!"

Is this one of those 'men who stare at goats'?

He does'nt look much like George Clooney

If it is him he's let himself go a bit

"I've got toothache, had it since I was a kid!"

"I've had earache since I was a kid!"

"Huh, cheers!"

"That human on the road down there, just drove off at the corner!"

"Yes, and our Auntie Hilda nearly got ran over!"

"Perhaps he didn't see the Ewe turn?"

"Soon be time for a cuppa tea Mildred!"

"Alright Mark!"

"I'd like a goatee too please?"

There's a Western on at the flics tonight!"

"Roy Rogers, or Hoppalong Cassidy dear?"

"Hope not, I like Billy the Kid best, ha ha!"

"I Hope you're not too sad at your brother getting knocked over and killed son?

"He's probably up in Heaven right now with God. He'll be happy there"

"What would God want with a dead goat?"

Windy today isn't it

It sure is

Don't call me 'it'!

Who do you think our kid resembles?

He looks a bit like you and a bit like me I think!

Yeah right..so which one has got a horn protruding from his/her backside?

Interesting...They have dug a big hole in the ground and filled it with logs..

Look...The have set fire to it...Very interesting....

Mom..Dad...Why is that man coming over with a great big knife?

So you know what to do if that Troll shows up?

Jeezeee..For the last time Junior...You threaten to GOBBLE HIM UP!

I threaten to, gobble him, right mom?

"Did you enjoy the film dear?"

"Not really, I prefer a good buck!"

"Oh Mother!"

"Did you see that genetic engineers are implanting human DNA into goats?

"Our herdsman has been doing that for years dearie!"

"Is that so?"

Why is Herdsman Singh standing in that field with a propeller on his hat?

Free energy dear.

Oh, it's one of those wind turbans!

"I think the competition photo's are getting more classy nowadays!"

"Oh yes dear, from the lows of Mount Rushmore to the heights of Mountain Goats!"

"Mount Rushmore? I'm too young to remember that one!"

Our herdsman is ill. He's crawling along the ground.

What's that he said? He's talking gibberish like he did this time last year.

He says he wants to give you a kiss for Chrishmush, mum!

Every bloody advert on sky this time of year is for three piece suites!

That red one looks nice dear.

I bet it tastes nice as well Mum.

What is the matter with Junior dear?

He ordered a bathroom suite from Ebay.

And the stupid sod's sent me a waterproof Jellybean!

"I understand some Spoofer's are missing tags?"

"There are none needed in this Caption Competition dear!"

"Well we've got tags on out ears here dear!"

"High on a hill was a lonely Goatherd..."

"Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo"

"Every bloody Christmas I have to suffer this!"

Why's the earliest cave drawing of the moon dated only around 5,000 years ago?

I really don't know dear. Why don't you go and have a little sleep.

Ignore him. Dad's always like this at Christmas after he's had a few gins!

"Who is your favourite famous cowboy star? Mine is Ronald Reagan"

"I like the Sundance Kid!"

"I liked Billy the Kid!"

There's John our new herdsman. I wonder why he wears a skirt

He's from Scotland dear, it's called a kilt.

He must be the famous John O'Goats!

We've all been down with that musical instrument flu over Christmas

Been blowin' our noses like trumpets, with headaches like banging drums..,

'n' now I've got that guitar in me 'ead haven't I mum!

"Was that the farmer who mistook you for a sheep yesterday my dear?"

"Yes, bless him!"

"?"

"I heard that David Cameron is a nice man really!"

"Well I certainly have not heard that!"

"A case of the Lonely Goat-heard? Ha ha!"

It is so sad, this time last week that field was full of Turkeys.

Hush dear, Junior is listening.

Where did all the big dicky birds go mum?

"I hear we will be the Caption Competition for the new year then?"

"A big honour for our herd!"

"Even the little goat heard that o

Have you ever been to John O'Goats?

Don't you mean John O'Groats?

You mean we've got 30 more days of this crap.

I don't know where people find the space in their stomachs to put it all

And they have the cheek to say that all WE do is eat!

Turkey, stuffing, Xmas pudding, cake, sweets, pickles, nuts, ..Pots and Kettles!

Our kid's got a part in this year's pantomime down in the village hall

This year's panto is called 'A Christmas Carol'

I'm playing 'The Goat of Christmas Past'!

Hi! Would you like to join us for a game of football in our field?

We have our defenders, midfielders, and strikers

But we need a goatkeeper!

I'm thinking we should turn left up ahead.

Even though the GPS says we should turn right?

And this is why I'm addicted to alfalfa.

You know, you're really getting on my goat! Stop it!

You're such a silly billy goat!! Grow up.

This is worse than goat's milk, get me out of here.

Did you say goat turd just then?

Goat herd!! GOAT HERD!!!!

I really like the 'Stones album "Goatshead Soup".

Cover your eyes Mother I do believe that sheep is in for you-know-what!

If that's the case then she's lucky girl, I've not had any for week's!!

That's odd, I thought it was only Turkey's that got stuffed?

"How do they manage to walk on two feet?"

"And balance while taking the picture!"

"Thick parents or what?"

Well I'm not going to do this every time Billy behind us needs to pee

Oh be patient. Billy has a bashful bladder dear. He'll tell us when he's done.

My pal Billy says he can't pee when we're facing him

'To The Best of My Knowledge'

'Not That I'm Aware of'

Honestly, how many phrases can Piers Morgan use to avoid saying NO under oath?

"The farmer wants us to stop charging visitors to the farm!"

"How's he going to do that then?"

"Take away our credit cards! He he he, oh I am a fool!"

See what time it is now by the farmhouse clock?

It's still too early dear, there's hours to go before it reaches 2012

What's so special about twelve minutes past eight dad?

I still say mine is the best

I do like the herdsman's though - it's very neat dear

I prefer his wife's - her beard is longer and more bushy

The farmer's flowers looked nice, I'll admit that.

Until you ate them! Just tell the farmer our kid did it like you did last year

It's not fair, why am I always made the scapegoat?

So you told your teacher at school you want to be like me when you grow up son.

Did you mean you'd like to have a nice beard like your dad's Billy?

No mum, I want to be a randy old goat like him!

So...I was on the Billy Goat Forum and he said "I'm going to eat you up!"

Then I went on the Billy Goat Forum and he said "I'm going to eat you up!"

Finally I went on and he said "I'm going to eat you up!" I hate Internet Trolls!

"Nobody"

"Messes"

"Wiv der Kray Goats"

"I spy something beggining with.... B"

"Beard...er... er...."

Billygoat you fools!"

Now I am a Sir!

Now I am a Lady!

Now I haven't got a goat's chance.

I'm Billy

I'm Nanny

I'm Lucifer

Goat tell it on the mountain

Haven't you got homes to Goat to

Goat to get you into my life

My name's Larry and I love everything nnd everybody..

Ohhh take my hand, Come with me Baby to love land...

Capricorn

"What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a goat?"

"Erm.. er.. I don't know dear!"

"That's easy, you get a hare in your milk!"

The New Year's Eve party streamers were fun last night

Yes, and wearing the party hats

Mum, can we take them off now and go back to being sheep again? Baaaaaah!!!!!

Rupert Murdoch has joined Twitter

That man really gets my goat

Isn't half the worlds newspapers and television channels enough for him?

"The sheep don't talk us much recently dear"

"They say they can't have a good conversation with us...."

"I know this one, they say we keep butting in!"

"Do like best butter Marge?"

"You mean like our Kid here?!

"Oh, a crap joke again!"

Hey. Here comes Moses. I guess it's sacrifice time again.

Oh, dear! I hope he picks Agnus. She's such a fricken gossip.

Why do WE have to pay for their stupid sins? STOP SINNING, YOU MORONS!

Signing: "As long as I need Ewe..."

Signing: "Ram on give me your heart... "

"Romantic fools!"

The horses on the telly races jump over much higher fences than that one

Yes, but think of your tackle dear

And the fences they jump don't have barbed wire along the top of them dad!

"What do you call a goat that lip-syncs? "

"Billy Vanilli!"

"Oooh!"

What a total waste of money. We could soon munch that away for our farmer.

The man he's hired to do it isn't even eating those bits he's cutting off.

It looks like a big rabbit to me. I think they call it topiary.

Here she comes again with that rotten clothes line and wet washing

I wish the farmer's wife would visit the optician in the village

She ties the clothes line between your and dad's horns doesn't she mum!

Who do they think they're gawping at!

Anyone'd think they've never seen a goat before

They're probably city people who don't watch Emmerdale mum

"Why has that sheep been tied up in the new pen in the corner of the field?"

"And covered over with tarpaulin?"

"That's the farmer's new recreation gym!"

No mate, there's no goat here named Fahso or Lahte. The wife here is Doe

My husband is Ray

And I'm just 'Me' - as far as I know!

"I should go first at mealtimes in future!"

"I'll go second dearest!"

After Ewe two then?"

We'll have to cut down dear. You'll have to buy things from the charity shops.

I have been - but the things in the charity shops are too dear, dear.

Oh dear! You think YOU'VE got problems!

Moo!

Woof!

Mum, you know when you said it'd be safe to eat them GM oats...

Ever had the feeling someone's looking at you?

Yes, I've been aware of it since the Guy Fawkes night fireworks on 5th November.

No, it started the day before that mum!

Hey! That's a little camera!

Maybe it's a Spoof!

Doh! It's a smartphone - Facebook here we go!

We'll charge at the count of three. One,...er...one,...er

Seems Cameron's no better than Blair

Education; Education; Education!

"Our Matilda ate a whole ball of wool you know?"

"Yes, her kids were born wearing sweaters!"

"That's some yarn!...."

All I said to her is that she's looking more like her mother every day

Well she's upset. Don't you want to have a pretty face like mine dear?

(Folks, should I tell her dad said to uncle earlier mum's got a big fat bum!)

Hi there, today some poetry, while there's a sky above,

The weather we will get will be

The weather we will have!

Good 'ere innit!

It's alright for you two - I've got to get the dinner on

Do chips mum, oh please, please do chips!

Out with it then, why the long faces?

You fool, what do you expect goats to have?

Perhaps they want us to smile dad. Hey, I'm wagging me tail, what more can I do?

On your marks...

Get set...

Run,run like your life depends on it,because it DOES!

"Why did the farmer put the 'Fecund Ohio smuts' sign on our hilltop field gate?"

"Well fecund means 'Capable of producing offspring!'

"Nae, 'Fecund Ohio smuts' is an anagram of The Sound of Music!"

We are just sheep with horns

You may be but I prefer being a goat

I have French horns

I hope she remembers to milk me

The Milkmaid comes today

I don't like milk - I tried his once - yugggk!

When I was Regimental Mascot back in '89........

Oh no do, you have to go on so?

Oh no, not the Seargent Major's Baton - I've heard that one a hundred times

"The other goats think my horns are the best in the herd"!"

"Goats on the Matterhorn have the best ones!"

"More people like Lena Horne though!"

"Mother, have you ever had trouble with appendicitis?"

"Only when I tried to spell it!"

"Bloomin' 'eck, the old un's are coming now!"

"Why did you get us up late this morning Gertrude?"

"The alarm clock fell into the sheep dip!"

"Ah I see, it lost all of its ticks?"

"The farmer is thinking of mating sheep and goats together, to improve profits!"

"Improve profits? How's that then?"

"He'll get an animal that eats tin cans and gives him steel wool!"

"We used to used as currency in England years ago you know!"

"No dear, that would be GROATS your thnling about!"

"Bless um!"

Is that sheepdog I spy behind you about to do you doggy style ?

No it bloody well isn't behind me it's behind the mysterious fourth goat...

There are seven of us in this photo but only three of us have speaking parts!!!

See, I told you the gate's been left open. Let's walk down to the village.

I wouldn't mind getting a few carrots

Are you sure these are credit cards on our ears dad?

"Why did the goat cross the road?"

"'Because it was the chickens day off ha ha ha!"

"Oh dearie me..."

Here comes that soppy preacher again with his little book of nonsense.

I agree with you dear. What sort of God would have given us long necks!

Dad says a long neck wastes time getting food from his mouth to his stomach!

"What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?"

"I don't know dear!"

"I do, you get a wooly jumper!"

We saw you on TV last night Junior...

... with Dara O'Brian, Rory Whatsisname and Griff Rhys-Jones

Oh that.....3 men in a goat!!!!

"Who's been touching your tits?"

"The farmer you dozy twat"

"Why does the farmer call me his kid?"

"For fucks sake Mildred, how long did you set the auto photo switch for?"

"I dont know"

"I need the toilet Mum"

"We are"

"Der"

"Management"

I wonder why our herdsman has to go rushing off to Prince Charles every night?

He's a slave driver. By the time our herdsman comes home he can barely stand

I've heard there's a pub in the village called The Prince of Wales

i love you

i love you

i love you too

"Where have all the male sheep gone from the field next door?"

"Perhaps they've gone in holiday dear?"

"Yes, gone abroad to the Ewephrates!"

He didn't get it from my side of the family, that's for sure

Well he's inherited the explorer's gene from somewhere.

All I said is that some day I'm gonna find out what's over that hill

What shall we call him?

Billy?

Billy the Kid. LOL - never heard that one before.

"If a Sheep is a Ram..."

"And a Mule is an Ass..."

"How come a Ram in the Ass is a Goose?!

"For fuck's sake Mirriam, do you have to be so fukin nosy"?

"She was looking at me!"

"Nice tits

"Look!"

"Where!"

"Eh?"

"I here that foot and mouth disease is less prevalent nowadays!

"I'm more worried about the family catching 'Toxic Flock Syndrome!"

"?"

"I here we have a new farmer coming to take over"

"Yes, they say he's from Scotland"

"From John oGroats actually!"

What's that old song called? It's about a patient goat on it's travels.

Trains, Goats, and Planes?

No, I know the one. It goes 'I'd like to get you, on a slow goat to China'.

Here he comes. If he tries to do it again I'm gonna headbutt him

It is annoying when his coat drops down over my eyes

Our herdsman calls mum's horns his goathangers!

It just means a female goat, son. Like your mum.

That's right, I'm the nanny goat.

Mum, so how old do I need to be before I can put a bet on with you?

I wonder if the sea's just over that hill

Prob'ly miles away dear. I haven't noticed any seagulls flying about

I saw our herdsman put down sand over where he'd been sick on New Year's Eve!

So, That's a mirror is it? Why do we look like goats?

OMG!

Meheheheh

"I wonder why Mark picked our family for this competition photo?"

"I have no idea my love!"

"Well he's goat to pick something!"

"Stand still Mirriam, dont fukin move"

"For gods sake! Why?"

"Dad just heard a zipper being opened"

"That bloke who spoke to you Maisy, was conducting a survey then?"

"Yes, he wanted to know what I thought about sex on the TV?

"Very uncomfortable I'd have thought!"

"Its a pain being a goat"

"Why"

"Cos everyone thinks we look like the devil"

"What was it your Mum used to say to you Griselda?"

"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you..."

I know... 'then you'll see what it's like', same old tales, their bored stiff!

At night an old goat down in Brighton, to kids in his field liked to frighten

He'd sneak up in the dark, then say 'boo' for a lark

So the herdsman now leaves the moonlight on!

So you think we should laugh at your jokes? You try living your life as a goat

Cold winters aren't fun, nor the hot summer sun

And in rain we stand here and get soaked!

Our kid's got a boil on his bum, he's just pointed it out to his mum

Oooh, it does look so sore, have you got any more?

Not as far as I know, just the one!

What's that guy pointing at us, Ethel?

Looks like some kind of weapon. Maybe we should run.

No way, Ma. That's a camera. We're gonna be on Facebook.

"If a sheep farmer is called a Shepherd,,,,,"

"Why isn't a goat farmer called a Goatherd?"

"Their both bored stiff you know!"

"If the farmer had 15 cows and 5 goats, what would he get?"

"Plenty of milk! Ha ha ha!"

"Oh dear, and I had to get these two as parents didn't I?"

I hope your mum and me don't get told off for going for our little walk today

Has anyone said anything to you while me and your dad were gone our kid?

Nah, but I think dad was standing a bit more to the right before

"Not often us goats get in the pictures is it?"

"(Sigh) No dear..."

"What about the herd in the Sound of Music then?"

"Why has that bloke in the skirt got a knife?"

"I thought I heard someone say Hal"

"No,, he said, Hallal be back"

"He's been singing since he was a kid"

"Voice like an angel"

"I hope Simon puts me through"

"I'm in charge of the herd!"

"So I heard!"

"I should be seen and not heard!"

It's no different to here I tell yer.

It is. The grass is definitely more greener in the field over there.

I think I might need glasses mum. What field?

Its time for battle, now defend this guild with pride and honor little cleric

just remember, NG is healed first and drop your RR's at the start of the battle

I will do my best Robbie and Carley, its time to play

"At least there are no snow leopards around here to attack us!"

"No dear, and no Cheetahs to chase after us either!"

"No, but there's the farmer's son!"

"We ought to have played in the orchestra in the Sound of Music"

"Whatever instrument could we have played?"

"The Horn perhaps?"

OMFG!!! are we still here?

Yes dear, we are.

It's beginning to get on my goat too

"Our Delilah butted the farmer's daughter yesterday!"

"Oh, on the Horns of Delilah was she? ha ha!"

"Oh Mum! Horns of a Dilemma that should be!"

"I work 24 hours a day protecting you and the herd from humans!"

"And I check the gates are locked, feed the kid, and give birth to them!"

"I hope they don't escape!"

"Our Garry wants to change his name?"

"Oh, ehy is that Gary my dear?"

"Dad said 'He's going to spank me as sure as my name is Gary!"

Look Dear, is that Newt Gingnotsorich?

I believe it is Billy.

He's not going to send you home, is he Nan?

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Bismilla

Let him go!

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Bismilah!

No! We will not let him go.

And when she walked me home

Day-do-ron-ron

Day-do-ron-ron

"And it's good morning to you Mummy goat!"

"And it's good morning to you morning Daddy goat!"

"They farmer should never have put a TV in the barn!"

"Are we being paid for posing in this competition?"

"We might get a penny or a 'Mark', ha ha!"

"Or a Groat?!

"You know, we're naked on this photo, and could get arrested for pornography!"

"I suppose we could get taken to court and tried!"

"If we are, I hope try us in camera!"

Hunny, do you see what that farmer is doing with my poker buddy?

Yeah, I sure do. Your buddy is going to be scarred for life.

Mom, dad, something about this seems so wrong, but I can't look away.

Fuck this my legs are killing me.

Father, such language in front of the kid indeed.

Bollocks, I'm with Dad with this one!

"The Green green grass of home is my favourite song!"

"And Blade Runner is my favourite film!"

"And that handsome brute in the next field is my favourite 'buck'! Ha ha ha!"

"Do you think we'll be famous now we're on the internet?"

"They may make a TV series with our family starring in it?"

"They can make it in John O'Goats.. can anyone one Bleat in Scottish?"

"Are we all frowning in this photo?!

"Naturally, a man's pointing his Canon PowerShot ELPH 510 HS 12.1 MP CM at me!"

"Canon PowerShot ELPH 510 HS 12.1 MP CM?"

My balls are frozen it's about time we sought cover.

Stop bloody moaning and give me one that'll warm you up.

Not in front of the kid please!!!

"We got together a couple of years ago"

"Yeah,

"Bin doin the ZZ Top tribute stuff since"

"Junior should be a film star when he grows up!"

"Or maybe a rocket scientist?"

"Someone tell them er'te goasts [lease

"Son, simply tell the truth. un you don't have to remember what you lied about!"

"How deep you are today by beloved, very judicious, and philosophical!"

"Am I in the right field?"

God I'm bored

So am I

Not as bored as me. I keep clicking on Caption Competition and we are STILL here

"We're famous now, they should name this place Goatville?"

"Or Goats parliament?"

"Or Kidderminster!"

Have you heard, Whitney Houstons dead!

I know, it's shocking really shocking.

Kevin Costner said: "What the fuck happened, I only went for a piss"

"He's here again... Smile!"

"How?"

"Just say Goats cheese!"

Trip, trap...

...trip, trap...

...over da rickety bridge

"I'm feeling horny Maisy!"

"I feel horny too my dear!"

"What's interesting ahead head-wear?"

"Marliene! Will you shut up"!

"You shut! you old goat!"

"Mum, I thought you said my dad was a Ram?"

"Those humans in that car are playing our favourite song Mona!""

"They're ringing out our song of love..."

"Ah.... Ramona!"

what is it? why is that human all night?and why are his pants pulled to 1 side?

is it a portal to another world? humanville?what is a Kurtis Blow friend request

derr its Goatface....GOD! U 2 don't no nuffin' its bear sick [add grass app].

I say, is that one of those beastly aliens?

I think so Harold, trespassing on our field .. AGAIN .. do something Harold!

Mummy, Daddy, that's the one who abducted me!

"Why is the farmer not in this family photo?"

"He had his photo took with the sheep instead!"

"Oh... selling the photo's on was he?"

Come on flowers. How much longer do we have to stand here waiting for them?

Not long. We'll know spring has arrived when the daffidils appear in that field

Why can't we just buy a calendar?

Why do you keep flashing at those speeding cars son?

You poor mixed up kid!

I'm a G.A.T.S.O.speed camera!

That one writer wrote a bad thing about me.

Don'r let them get your goat.

Good one Mom. Baaa Snort!

Did you ever read that story, The Three Billy Goat's Gruff?

You know we can't read...

I'm a goat!

Scientists out there now say we goats pick up different accents

I don't want our kid playing with that new goat Billy from London anymore

Leave it owt mum f' gawds sake. Aint nuttin' rong wiv way Billy rabbits!

God what a body that chick has, off come the panties now...oh yes, what a result

Father you must stop watching Babestation you'll go blind!

Cor, I wish I had one as long as that..yes, yes, yes talk dirty to him you bitch

"Look how short this grass is, I blame Cameron for the lack of growth!"

"I blame Barclay's Bank!"

"Parents! don't they waffle?"

Kim Kardashian says Khloe has the best sex life.

What's a Kardashian?

What's a sex life?

Who's the biggest goat right now?

Let me think a minute.

That would be Tom Brady!

Remember when we found that old car and ate it?

Yeah. What kind was it?

I think it was a Ford V8!

The farmer brought us another round bail of hay.

We need more than that.

Three Square meals, like everyone else.

"I see the farmer's in with the sheep again!"

"As long as he doesn't come like that in our field we'll be okay!"

"Oh... I like him!"

It has to be. It hasn't grown one bit since we've been stood here staring at it

I say it's the real thing. It never grows much in the winter

I reckon dad's right - it isn't real grass in that field, it's astro turf

Why do mice have such small balls?

I don't know.

Because not many of them even know how to dance?

Never get your head stuck in a can while eating.

Always chew your car parts 100 times.

Never, NEVER butt a man who just finished off some pork & beans!

We've told you before young 'un

No Butts!!!

How do those humans shit then?

"Where shall we go on holiday this year then?"

"Somewhere that we feel at home with perhaps?"

"We be best going to Butts in Devon!"

Hi

Hi

Not, again?!

dont that just get your goat?

ha ha ha ha ha ha

it wasnt funny the first time

we're famous!

yes, we're on "the spoof"

we need a paying gig

British jokes don't make sense to the Americans

American jokes don't make sense to the British

Cant we all just get along?

I'm really horny

not tonite, dear

great! guess who's gonna wake up with a sore ass?

When we first met, we used to frack all the time!

oh yes, we would frack all night & all day!

yeah, but now all they do, when they walk past each other, is say "frack you!"

when I cant sleep, I count sheep

yes, so do I

they think, I dont know whats going on, just because they call it "counting"

I've never seen a u.f.o. have you?

no, I havent

thats because theyre looking for intelligent life

knock knock

who's there?

oh gaaaawd!

hi, I'm "billy"

hi, I'm "nanny"

may as well be, "eddy" & "patsy"

I'm "eddy"

I'm "patsy"

gaaawd, I miss "benny hill"

I was NOT lost!

Yes you were. You just didn't want to admit it.

His eyes were wandering and he missed the ewe turn.

So I told Fred...

Sorry to butt in but you've told this already.

Speaking of butts, I'm going to have a butt ring put in. Maybe grow a goatee.

You're not dating that unemployed so-called artist!

He's much too old for you.

If I have to, I'll sneak out and see Billy Idol when you aren't looking.

Couldn't sleep last night.

Try counting humans?

I heard him mumble '200,000,000 & one Chinese' at 3AM.

Dayuum. Check out that sexy goat.

I'd totally hit that... with a tire iron. Stop trying to cheat on me. I alre..

I hate my dysfunctional goat family.

I overheard the farmer say that we are valuable.

Hope it's not for food.

No, I think goat milk makes the best butter.

"Our kid could become a singer an' make us some money if he wasn't so lazy!"

"Why don't you try that my son?"

"I'm Billy Idol!"

What did the giraff say when he entered the bar?

OK. What did he say?

He said, "Boys, the highballs are on me. Set 'em up!"

Our owner got into trouble at the zoo for feed the ducks.

What was wrong with that?

He fed them to the lions.

"Uncle Bill once ate a VHS film of 'The Sound of Music' you know?"

"Did he enjoy it?"

"Yeah, but not as much as the book!"

Come on Jump to it we've been here a month or more!

Yes jump to it

All this jumping; is it a leap year?

"This photo will make us famous!"

"Yes, their putting on the web you know!"

"Show off's!"

These disguises are perfect!

When the CIA sent us to Afgahnistan Ithought it would be more glamorous.

My zipper's stuck!

I hate it when I hear someone order lamb chops. That's too close to home for me.

Plus, usually it's "lean lamb chops!"

"Which way?"

"High on a hill with a lonely Goatherd..."

"Yodel de ladle yodel..."

"Gerrus off this caption please, their gerrin' on me tits now!"

"Scientists now say baby goats can change their calls"

"Yes, depending on the group they are in, they develop localised accents!"

"No kidding?"

Obama's taking his 15th vacation in a little over 3 years.

Can he vacation? 'Yes He Can!"

I kid you not.

Lady Gaga is running out of clever outfits.

Yes, I saw that too.

OK! OK! I'll take this goat outfit back, tomorrow. Had you fooled for awhile.

Wonder if they have a big goat show in NYC?

Just dogs, I think.

Big Goat Show? That leaves me out.

Call PETA, I'm sick of this.

Oh don't start that all over again.

But it's prejudice, Mum. The loser is always called the goat.

Stand on the other side of me, will you Charlotte?

Sure I will, Rhret...NOT!

"Goat With The Wind!, right? "I don't know nothing about birthing no babies!"

What's that big queue

For the new 'sun on Sunday'

Look at them all. Sheep the lot of em.

I'm having an affair and I'm leaving you after this photo shoot.

I knew it! My mother warned me about goats like you.

Does this mean that I have to stay at nannies house again?

We're still here and for hire come Spring.

Tired of hearing lawn mowers? We trim grass & weeds for free!

Plus free fertilizer!

"If a sheep is a ram..."

"And a mule is an ass..."

"How come a ram in the ass is a goose?"

Sun on Sunday..what did you think of it Mother?

Not a lot really that Amanda Holden really gets my goat at the best of times.

No page 3 in 3-D well gutted.

"Albert the Bull told me the farm has been bought-out by a Bulgarian farmer!"

"I heard from Lily the lamb the new bloke was from Wales!"

"I bet she hopes she's right!"

Who knew thats goats could be so funny?

We should have our own website

The goof.com perhaps

I'm the daddy goat so I get 80 characters for my bubble!

Yes dear, but I'm the mummy goat and I also get 80 characters so does baby goat

Only 80 characters per bubble? Bugger that I'm off to twitter where I get 140!

This domain name is for sale

Silly, that was yesterdays voiceover client, today we are advertising goat milk

Honestly, I wish you'd read your schedule

I'm sorry no photo's

You'll need to clear it with our agent first

He's a tough ne-goat-iator

Do people actually read the caption competition?

I prefer fake celeb diaries

I prefer snippets

We met at singlegoats.com

And look at us now

Sign up for your 14 day free trial at singlegoat.com

You found us!

About time!

The next one is funnier! Just click next!

Look we wouldn't normally ask, but times are hard

We'd really appreciate it if you could help us out, just this once

All we ask is you click 'like' below. We'll be forever in your debt.

Hey hey were the goaties,

Always goating around, were too busy singing to put anybody down

I have no idea what those two are on about.

Ok, get yourself a cup of tea, some biscuits or, if you prefer, a large scotch

Get a comfy armchair and a cushion

Now start reading. There are over 250 of these 'goat quotes'

We were asked to be in the Oscar winning silent film 'The Artist' you know

Tis true, but the producers wanted us to be silent throughout the film

Our agent told them, we always speak a minimum of 80 characters per film.

Was that Jennifer Lopez's nipple I just saw?

Was that Angelina Jolies right leg I just saw?

I wish I'd never suggested we get a tv ariel fitted in the field now

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Lamb chop?

Irish Stew?

Wht do you call a fish with no eye?

I give up.

A Fsh?

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

Then you two must be rabbits.

"How come goats don't get to vote?"

"I don't know dear!"

"Cause we'd probably elect the same pigs into power.. Ha ha ha!"

"Cows produce the best milk!"

"Ah.. but we goats make the best butters!"

"The old one's are the best!"

That cow's got some big tits!

She's a whale!

Wonder how they taste?

I was just observing that cows have bigger tits.

You're a horny old goat!

You're both right.

Wonder why Gary Larson drew so many Cow Cartoons?

Maybe he couldn't draw goats very well.

Maybe cows are just funnier.

"I like the new farm hands, Stanislav and Vladimir !"

"Yes, I like Chygrynskiy and Grzegorz!"

"I'm a bit worried about Dad!"

Why does everyone want to see a two-headed calf?

Where? Where's a two-headed calf?

Sigh! It takes all kines.

I miss "Beam-Me-Up Scotty" on Star Trek.

"I'm givin her all she's got, Captain!"

"Come out of that holodeck, Chekoff, afore ye ga blind!"

I hear there is going to be more "Occupying" soon.

I'm against all that picketing.

Maybe you should carry a sign!

My stomach is rumbling.

Maybe it's that newspaper you ate.

Yeah, Dad. That came from the bottom of the canary cage.

I don't trust that farmer next door.

He's always borrowing things from John & not returning them.

The kind that's always there for you when he needs something.

Enjoy your childhood, Jr.

It goes by in a blur.

I hope not. Ever see a goat wearing glasses?

Is Junior our last?

I kid you not!

TaDaaa!!

Farmer John will never cheat on his wife.

Why? She's not good looking.

He does't want to lose the farm he's in love with.

I think Dr. Frankenstein should have circumcised the monster first.

Yeah, it went on a rage right after that.

You guys wouldn't let me see that part.

Farmer John says we are to be tagged!

You mean, we are to get our ears pierced?

Maybe it'll be a clip on.

If there's cutbacks, will John sell us or the cows?

I think we're safe.

Right on! We eat anything! Cows won't even eat cans.

I wrote a goat story.

Ohhh. Those are scary!

Goat Mom! Not Ghost!

I used a pen name for the story.

What is your pen name?

It's 'OK Coral'. I saw it on the front.

I went on so many blind dates before I met your mother.

He was using a white cane.

Come on Guys. Wait a minute, is Sparky a guide dog?

John's son got a big paying job at a college.

Big pay? Teaching?

Are you kidding? No pun intended. He's a football coach!

So Farmer John's son is a college football coach?

Shhh! Not too loud.

Yeah. Porky and her kids don't like the word 'p-i-g-s-k-i-n'

You mean 'pigskin' offends her?

Yes. Of course You're PROUD of "Sheepskin".

At least you die giving someone a good time.

"I'm worried about what out Billy will be when he grows up!"

"A banker, or Prime Minister perhaps? Does that appeal to you Billy?

"Mam, Dad... I'll be a goat when I grow up! Parents huh!"

How much longer? Me back aches

My feet do

Mum, I need to do a wee-wee!

I can nurse too, you know!

I think "one" would be the total nursing.

He means a beer, Mom.

Farmer John's son is back home after college.

Neither of them look happy about it.

I heard him tell Farmer John that he had wasted 9 years of his life.

Guns don't kill people.

Neither do people kill people. It's those awful bullets that kill people.

This has been a public interest statement from The Spoof.

We have been standing here a long time.

It's our 15 days of fame.

I try to daydream but my mind keeps wandering off.

"We should sing to keep ourselves from getting bore on here!"

"We have no instruments for the music have we?"

"Be like the farmer and play with the 'hurdy' gurdy perhaps?"

"I think this picture is beginning to fade!"

"Not surprised, it's been on the screen for so long!"

"Shhh... Mark will hear you, I like it here!"

I wish they wouldn't keep staring at us.

Thats showbusiness for ya.

Just give em your bloody autography, they might go away.

Wait, who is that person we're staring at?

Maybe he's a scam artist.

No, he's just interested in the increase of cooking oil prices.

"Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee, Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee"

"Don't cry-ee, dont sigh-ee, there's a silver lining in the sky-ee,"

"The Fools!"

I used to come here when it was all Ellis Ian Fields.

Yes you had a Tommy Twinkle in your eye. But only an 'inch' on your ****

Your just advertising names of spoof writers. I'm reporting you to the Burea!

I prefer the ipad2

I prefer the ipod.

What the bloody hell are you talking about? Your goats!

Guess why I'm smiling?

You found some more horny goat weed.

Is that where I came from?

"I see our beards have not grown in the months we've been here on the screen?"

"Just as well, we've not got any razors!"

"As I said before... the fools!"

"I still love you sweetheart!"

"You don't bring me flowers anymore!"

"that's because she'll only eat them!"

"I still love you sweetheart!"

"You don't bring me flowers anymore!"

"why not send her some of those SOLAR FLARES Dad?"

He's back again

Why does he come here everyday?

He's just here for the writers points.

Who's the daddy?

Well we both have beards...

I want a paternity test!

"Just look at that.. he flashed at us!"

"He's only playing with his Kodak..."

"And I get a rollicking when I only lick mine!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

Bureau must be running out, but it's not the worse one we have quoted.

Farmer John isn't sleeping with his wife.

Why, an argument?

Nope. They told him at church that you should not sleep with a married woman.

"Mother, your and my noses seem to be twitching in this photo!"

"Yes, that's because our Billy keeps keeps farting!"

"Not my fault I can't nip off for a nappy!"

We're not really related despite what the caption bubble says

Were professional athletes you know

They're going to give us Gold silver and bronze medals any minute.

What's the difference in the US government & the mafia?

One of them is organized.

TADA!

We've been on here quite awhile!

Glad they can't see behind us.

Pile of goatshit two feet high. Let's sell it for fertilizer!

Ever hear of a goat rodeo?

No & I don't want to.

I'd like to have a crack at one of those clowns!

What's goat fencing?

Probably something we can't eat.

Touche!

Don't eat goat meat, folks!

We eat all kinds of garbage.

Garbage in, garbage out!

Ohh, here comes Farmer John!

And look what he's got in his hands.

Goat Wormer! We won't even be able to scratch our asses with everyone looking!

Who's the goat god?

Pan!

You mean they fried him?

After this is over, I'm ready for a vacation.

Me too. Where we going?

I love Goat Island. That little guy yelling, "The Plane! The Plane!"

There comes that Jewish guy again.

Quick! Eat a turd!

Yuck! But it means we're not kosher!

Did you like the movie "The Help"?

Nope. The book was a lot better.

Yeah. DVD's get between your teeth.

Was that serial killer called the Goat Killer?

No. That was the Zodiac Killer!

The Goat Killer was in American Grafetti! Terry The Toad, remember?

Just be patient, it'll wear off eventually.

It was stupid of us to tread on it in the first place

Strong stuff that super glue though innit!

The herdsman's wife says 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'.

I don't mind the soapy baths, but the drying out bit hurts my neck

You were hanging by your horns on her clothes line all afternoon last week mum!

What a great goal!

What a great goat!

What a great goan! (someone who lives in Goa)

Accoridng to wordsmith.org there are only four anagrams for the word 'goat'

Toga is one of them. Go At is another.

The final two are A Tog and A Got. There. You learnt something today

I've written my first novel.

What's it about?

He cant tell you. He's only allowed to speak once per cation.

I'm as happy as a goat in a moat.

I'm as happy as a goat in a coat.

I'm as happy as a goat on a boat.

"Will we be here much longer do you think?"

"We'll just have to mark time!"

"Talking of Mark..."

"Yes but it's gonna be illegal to wear a cross in public Dear!"

"Do you like my green tattoo on my forehead that Farmer Ted gave me?"

"Shall I say goodbye now, Mummy?"

"Hello, hear comes the Editor, wonder what he wants?"

"He might be going to get rid of us?"

"I'm not so sure... I don't like the way he's smiling at me!"

"How do I get those flies off my arse?"

"Use your tail"

"Did you call me Mum?"

I doubt it'll work

Well it's worth a try. Go on, tell 'em Billy

We've enjoyed being here, but we'd planned to go away for a few days at Easter

Go on,my son, on yer ead!

Knackers, i left the oven on!!

I wanna play on my xbox, football`s boring

"Englebert isn't going to sing 'The green green grass of home' for us then?"

"Nor 'Am I that easy to forget!"

"'Please release me' would suit me!"

Look son, there goes Grandma !

YOur dad doesn't see so well son. It's not your Grandma. It's Barbra Streisand

Where? Where? I want to see her !

Just be glad we aren't sheep!

I wonder what he wants

Look Daddy - here comes Sean Penn?

"I think its time we were off here and cutting back the grass!"

"I disagree, I like the fame this competition brings me!"

"Gawd heavens, they sound like Cameron and Clegg today!"

We're still here, folks!

Letting the grass grow under our feet.

Please look away so we can graze a bit!

Yes, turn us off so we can get a bite to eat.

We're hungry.

Don't let them kid you, they're not hungry, they're horny!

The 19th of December we arrived here, it's now the 15th of March!

The good news is we don't look a day older

But I want to grow up mum!

"I bet Tom Jones is pissed off about Englebert singin' in the Euro thingy!"

"They tried to get Matt Monroe to sing for us you know?"

"Englebert? Tom Jones? Matt Monroe?...."

"Do you realise that we all appeared here in January?"

"Well so what dear?"

"That us all Capricorns!"

"Do you reallise we've been here since January?"

"Yes, Mark doesn't care about us - he just loves that owl his Mrs bought him!"

"Is that what HOOTENANNY means Mum?"

What did the tired chess player do?

He took the Knight off!

Wish they'd take US off!

"We've really been here too long now, the Spoofer's are losing interest!"

"Yes dear, I think I'm losing interest in the Spoofer's!"

"In the Spoofer's what Mum?!

Jocko the Bull has died!

Number Three All-Time Breeder!

Whos gonna tell his 400,000 kids?

We are hypnogoat

Hypnogoat

Hypnogoat

I'll miss old Jocko the Breeder.

He was a legend in his time.

Till he screwed himself to death.

Man, my legs are stiff.

Thats about the only part of you that ever is!

....god, I hate it when they talk dirty!

"While we've been here on the Spoof, the farmer has planted corn in our field!"

"I hope it is Capricorn!"

"Now we get the corny jokes!"

We made it past St. Patrick's Day!

Usually some idiot wants to make Irish (Lamb) Stew out of us!

We're GOATS, people. We're tough and we eat metal cans.

Would you look at that big pile of snippets & jokes piled up!

He won't be able to change us any time soon.

"Oh, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer! Take..."

"Ten Favourite Goat Facts" is being updated then!

"Ah, Erskin is at it again!"

"I was too young to see his first effort!"

"By the time we get off here, the farmer will have forgotten what we look like!"

"Oh, I hope not dear!"

"Well I hope he has... the pervert!"

"If Mark doesn't get us off here soon, I'll give him a good butt when he does!"

"I'll offer him my body... for making us famous!"

"Who is this Mark?"

"Skoob say's this picture is beginning to fade around the edges on his screen!"

"Arm wants to use it in his park race thingamajig!"

"Erskin is putting it on ebay, as an antique!

Do you think they're ever going to get a new caption competition picture?

I have no idea, but I sure as hell am getting sick of these stupid goats.

I don't know, I kind of like all the attention. Who knows what we'll say next?

I think my balls have shrivelled up Mother!

Tell me something I don't know already, oy vey!!

I think I'm going blind at the thought of it all.

Ate some good Kentucky bluegrass yesterday.

Did it make you high?

That was a 'ringer' Mark used yesterday. Dad was Polluted!

You shouldn't use the work "Ringer".

Now everyone will know that there have been over 150 goats on here.

I'm a baaaahaaad boy!

"How much longer can we stay together in this competition?"

"Nick Clegg thinks the same thing!"

"Nick Clegg?"

"Farmer Giles' has been refused permission for a wind farm in his field!"

"With you two we don't need one in our field!"

"?"

I wonder what he wants it for. Farmer Giles just said to ask his wife for one.

But we asked her ages ago, where's she got to for heaven's sake?

Mr Giles said to ask Mrs Giles for a long stand!

I'm getting thirsty

I'm getting hungry

I'm getting bored!

I wonder what's been happening in the village

I wonder what's been happening over that hill

I'd like to know what's been happening in the field behind us since December!

I wonder why we each have five legs

We don't dear, a goat has six legs

We're goats, we know how to eat, gottit!

I have nothing more to say

Cat got your tongue?

No he sold it on ebay to cash in on his recent spoof fame

Do you two fancy a game of Three person chess?

Three person chess! How does that work?

If your a fan of The Big Bang Theory you wouldn't need to ask!

"Now we're famous, they could print this picture in the Farmers Weekly magazine!

"In the agony column! Wife goat bemoans lack of husband's marital activity!"

"Oh Mother...!"

Must be a big meal, but 250000 grand for dinner with Mr Cameron does seem pricey

I feel sorry for his wife having to do all that cooking

Think of all those piles of chips though - with lots of ketchup!

"This picture is changing!"

"Oh dear, a Dorian Gray situation?"

"No, over the months I've started to grow horns!"!"

I can't believe they moved without telling us!

Yeah, Mabel still had my cottage cheese maker!

I just want my game boy back. Baaaaaah!!

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... just like the ones we used to know... w...

"Ah distant memories father!"

"When we first come on 'ere wonnit?"

My feet are aching. If this goes on much longer I'm calling for strike action.

What kind of strike action? There's no way I'm going on a hunger strike.

I think dad means a sit-down strike!

Our kid wants to know why we have horns

They're for having fun swinging about on Billy.They're sky hooks.

Oh, I'll ask me teacher at school tommorowl!

Honestly, I didn't do anything!

Yes you did, just because you're getting bored. Leave him be.

He keeps tickling my ear with his beard mum!

"If I have to stand here much longer, I'm going to sue 'em if my bladder blows"

"Sue The Spoof you mean? Animal cruelty?"

"As long as they don't hold the trial in camera!"

it aint what you do...

its the way that you do it...

and that's what gets results!

I guess our five minutes of fame in front of the camera will soon be over

Yes, and it's only fair we give each of the other goat families a turn.

The Smiths, the Browns, the Turpins, the Colemans, the Coopers, the.....

As soon as we are done here, I am going to help mother goat with the "dishes"

Great! Its been such a long time since we have "washed dishes together". YAY!

Just make sure this time you don't serve the Lamb AFTER you "Wash the dishes".

"Blimey, we're still here! I'm going to complain!"

"Now then dear, let's not upset Mark!"

"Goat fer it Dad!"

i hear Burea - one of the spoofs star writers - has a bad back

Get well soon Burea, and best wishes to inchcock whose off to hospital as well

Blimey are there any writers left? Looks like we might have to get our pens out

Mark has totally tagged us wrong.

I know, we aren't even related.

Quiet, don't blow the cover you guys. Maybe later we can have a threesome!

These hats the herdsman got for us are useless.

It was very thoughtful of him, but they are a bit on the small size.

My one stops a few raindrops from hitting my ear mum, but that's about all!

Right, after three - one, two, three. WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD!

WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD!

WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD! WE WANT FOOD!

This one only works if you read Baby first...

... specially if you won't stick to the script, 'cos now it's meaningless!

Can I have Paul Weller's new album please?

"I see George Galloway won the Bradford by-election by a mile!"

"Yes, and Cameron got away with putting 20% VAT on hot food!"

"How the 'eck do they find these things out?"

I don't suppose we'll ever know for sure whether Mr Cameron did eat that pasty

What did herdsman John say when you asked him Billy?

He said if he says he did then he didn't, and if he says he didn't then he did!

Mr Cameron hasn't eaten a pasty since 2007

No dear, he ate a large pasty he bought more recently but it was made in 2007

He said it tasted very good mum. Mum, why does Mr Cameron like stale pasties?

If he'll lie about a pasty then he'll lie about anything

Yep, now they say he can't remember exactly when he ate the pasty

Nanny says liars need good memories mum!

Panic at the petrol pumps

Pasty tax

Pisspoor government. See what we did there?

"We might get on TV next... farming today perhaps?"

"Oh no, let's go for something exciting like Animal Farm?"

"Shame they don't make Batman nowadays... we could have been in Goatham City!"

APRIL FOOL!

APRIL FOOL!

APRIL FOOL!

Mildred, I thought the newspaper job ad was for three temporary jobs

No dear, it clearly stated vacancies for three permanent positions

Now she tells us!

"Oscar Wilde would be proud of us!"

"Ah, The Portrait of Dorian Gray, that was 103 years ago!"

"Hang on Mum!"

Give me strength, six bleedin' months!

Still two more days to go yet dear.

As you can see by the expressions on our faces, we're getting very excited!

At least the grass will be growing now it's spring

It will still be August before we have something to eat

It should reach my mouth by about the end of June mum!

it may be called a caption competiton but we've been here ages - i feel captured

and your only allowed to add captions of 80 characters...

so really it is a capped caption competiton

You've been watching us for months now!

Now it's OUR turn to watch you!

Yeah - were the GCHQ Goat Central Headquarters

The herdsman said he's going to go back to using your horns

But it's windy standing up there on the farmhouse roof with wires on my horns

He reckons analogue is more reliable, his digital TV picture keeps freezing

Kylie sweetheart, move a bit more in, mummy's bubble is covering your face

Daddy says move in a bit Kylie, the people are only seeing the top of a horn

My little sister Kylie is very camera shy

"I blame Mark for our incarceration in this caption competition!"

"No no dear, we must blame farmer Giles for allowing it!"

"I blame John Strognofe who invented the first portable camera in 1685!"

"We've been here so long my bladder is about to burst!"

"And my milk is going sour!"

"Is it any wonder we're all pissed off?!

Young Lowton has an unhealthy fixation with goats!

Yeaaah...he's a GOATOPHILE!

Mum,he needs to see a psycholgist.....oh I forgot, he IS one (who likes goats)

He's been standing across the road by that post for months.

He stares along the road, looks at his wristwatch, then he starts tutting.

Then he shrugs his shoulders, calls out 'hourly' , then angrily shakes his head

"I think when he said Smile, we were doomed to stay here a good while!"

"Doesn't the idiot know goats can't smile, it stand out a mile!"

"Gawd heavens... poetry now....Please set us free!

"When was the last time a human spoke to us?"

"Last December!"

"Oh yes... he said 'Smile, hold it' That twit with the camera wasn't it!"

Happy Friday!

No silly its Good Friday!

Oi! Where's my easter egg! Call yourself good parents, im calling Esther Rantzen

Well if were stuck here for a while we may as well have a sing song

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... My milkshake brings all the...

They got him on milk and alcohol - They got him on milk and alcohol, they got...

Any plans for the weekend?

Was planning to stay here in the field, avoid all the easter getaway traffic

Brilliant, been stuck here for christmas, new year, and now easter

I feel horny!

I'm sorry but I won't be ewes'd for your gruffification

Come on Mum, you're an animal.

"Do you think we might get a 'Lifetime Achievement Award' for this marathon?!

"If we live long enough to get to the end of the competition we may!"

"I'm too young to die!.... well I was when the competition started anyway!"

Keep practising these poses for the Olympics.

Gold Silver and Bronze medal positions?

Just hope 'Goats Staring' is made an Olympic sport!

Goat News! I mean Good News! The editor says we can go soon

That's good, I'm booked in at the beauty clinic on the high street for wednesday

Don't count your Goats, I mean chickens. He'll never let us goat, I mean go.

"? And now, the end is near, and so we face, the final curtain...."

"God, he's singing Sinartra's 'My Way now'!"

"I just want to get away!"

We're famous, we've got work experience behind us, let's apply for another job.

The problem is that we've now become far too over qualified for most jobs

Let's try Madam Tussauds!

Happy Easter

Happy Eater!

I prefer Little Chef...

Nothing exciting ever happens in this field, like a half naked Rihanna video

You should be so lucky

Thank god I brought my iPad with...

The Boat race, The Grand National, The World Snooker, the golf

We gonna miss them all stuck in this field.

Lucky i brought my iPad

"How much longer must we survive in this caption?"

"And I might miss the Local Erections!"

"No mum... that should be Local 'Elections'.... or should it?"

"And now, the end is near..."

"Do you think so Frank?"

"Buggered if I do... oops!"

Why are these people staring at us?

I don't know. Try not to move. They can probably sense fear.

I'm scared momma!

"The stretchmarks on my neck have got worse you know?"

"And my forehead furrow is more furrowed!"

"That's just rigamortis setting in!"

"Cruelty to goats and Spoofers, us having been on here too long!"

"I'll complain to the Coalition Government!"

"We'll probably outlive them though!"

So that was Easter

And now to Aintree

For The 'goat National' i mean Grand

"The radiogagger has come up with some good captions ain't he?"

"We'll all be going gaga if we stay here much longer!"

Gaga? That's like irrational, mentally confused, senile... oh I see!"

How much longer are we to stay in this scene?"

Yes, it's cruel and Obscene!"

"Well it's definitely hircine!"

According to the metro newspaper Tulisa has fallen in love with a baby goat

The one in her music video? I just hope a sex tape of the two doesn't emerge

Some baby goats get all the luck!

Honestly, I've been stood still here since I don't remember when.

I blame Mr Cameron myself, if it were not for his bloody cutbacks we'd be gone

Me personally myself rather fancies that mad fucker, Boris for Mayor

"We're still here Mum!"

"Yes dear, so we are!"

"What a bloomin' life!"

"We're still here Mum!"

"Obviously, Dad -you have amazing powers of observation!"

"He's training to be a Rocket Scientist!"

What is MORE likely to happen BEFORE we come off here?

The US pull out of Afghanistan

Hell freezes over!

What is MORE likely to happen BEFORE we come off here?

David Cameron tells the truth!

I will have GrandKIDS of my own!

"That sign on the side of bus is mispelt!"

"Somme people are gay, get over it!"

"yer mean they missed out letters O & T...Some people are gOaTy, get over it!"

i hear the spoof website was down for maintainence this morning

i wish they told us i could have gone to the hairdressers!

i think the editor has forgotten us!

"Have you noticed how thin I've been getting?"

"Yes, just look at your scraggy neck!"

"Nor surprising, we haven't haven't had a meal break since last December!"

"You got any milk Marlene?"

"Are taking the piss"

"Can I have a yogert?"

"I thought I'd gone blind the other day!"

"I thought they'd updated the competition!"

"No it was just another outage!"

I think i might ring in sick tomorrow

Typical shirker! Although we do deserve a day off.

I wish we'd ask for a daily rate when rather than lump sum when we signed up.

Outage!!! Outage!!! Outage!!! That's a BIG word for a little KID innit?

If I was into anagrams you would be an...

EU GOAT?

"How old do goats live to?"

"I don't know dear!"

"As long as this competition I hope... but it might be close!"

I think i might ring in sick tomorrow

You said that two days ago!

Face it Dad.... You ARE sick... get over it!

I think i might ring in sick tomorrow

I think I might ring in sick tomorrow too.

Wow it's contagious - I might do the same.

2."Who's there?"

3. Who's there?"

1. "Knock, knock!!!!" 4."I just said... it's Marcel Marceau!"

"Blimey Mother, we've been here in this box for a long time now ain't we!"

"I wonder if much has changed out there during our incarceration here?"

"Muggers get shorter sentences than this!"

I'm NOT gay, get over it!

Shouldn't that be GOAT over it?

Mum, Dad what's gay mean?

"Who is that drunken goat over there?"

"That's Billy, he proposed to me years ago and I rejected him!"

"Oh Mother!"

"Listen, please don't have a GO-AT me!"

"I'm not having a GO-AT you darling!"

"This is what I call the nanny state - everyone has a GO-AT each other!"

"OI JOHN!!!

"Who's John, is he the farmer or the photographer?"

"Whatever he is, just call him JOHN-O-GOATS!"

"We're still here in this damned landscape!"

"It's nothing more than animal rape!"

"What can we do, we can't escape - Blimey, we're communicating in rhyme now!"

"Does Mark make any profit out of this competition?"

"Don't think so, but he'll be able to sell this photo as an antique soon!"

"

"I'm glad all the centenary celebrations for the Titanic are over!"

"Me too... Titanic this, Titanic that! Humans do the strangest things!"

"Whatever floats your goat, err....I mean boat!"

"Whoever that bloke was who took this photo, he made a good job of it you know!"

"Yes, and with his Kodak box camera too!"

"It wasn't that long ago mother.. was it?"

"You know that we have not been paid for this marathon stay!"

"No, artists are not famous until they die you know!"

"But how many have died on the web like wot we will do?"

i could be at home watching the snooker.

you should have bought an iphone instead of that cheap nokia 3310.

in hot weather they should play snooker outside - we have space in this field!

"Think we'll get a pension when they release us from this competition?"

"We'll probably be too old to enjoy it by then!"

"I'll be so old, I'll miss me childhood!"

"I've just had a terrible thought... what if Mark Lowton has died?"

"We'd be here for ever!"

"This is a CGI image - (Cruelty to Goats Incident)

"I've just had a terrible thought... what if Mark Lowton has died?"

"If he has we can't go to his funeral, because we're stuck here!"

"You and your dreams Dad!"

"Why have we only had 454 competition entries after all this time?"

"The Meerkats got 1,579 entrys in far less time!"

"Ah, but they are cuddly... we ain't!"

I'm fed up. Let's play I-wish-I-spied-with-a-goat's-eye. You can go first dear.

Okay darling. I-wish-I-spied-with-a-goat's-eye someone beginning with M

MARK!!!!

"We're still waitin' to be fed this month!"

"They promised us some eating apples!"

"Winter Pearmains I bet!"

"We could represent the UK in the Euro Caption Competition!"

"75 year-old Engelbert's 'Love will set you free' is an inspiration innit!"

"Engelbert?"

I dont want to leave, I want to stay in NC with my Rasta Dog

JC Teeeeedddd !!! Don't shoot me

I cant believe you lost your bells, were you drunk again ?

They're talking about us in the forums.

Makes a change from all the moaning about ACRONYMS.

Mummy, whats an ACRONYM?

"I've only just noticed... is that a goats horn in the background behind Billy?"

"I hope so!"

"So do I!"

I don't want to leave NC, I want to stay with my Rasta Dog

JC TEEEEEDDD ! Dont shoot me

I can't believe you two lost your bells. Were you drunk again ?

I dont want to leave NC, I want to stay with my Rasta Dog

JC Teeeeeeeedd, don't shoot me !!!

I cant believe you two lost your bells, were you drunk again ?

I don't want to leave NC, I want to stay with my Rasta Dog

JC Teeeeeddddd ! Dont shoot me

JC, you two lost your bells, were you drunk again ?

"What we do next when leaving here is a source of great apprehension!"

"Why leave us so long? That's my contention?"

"Well I'll be old enough to collect me pension!"

"Another day ... I see we're still here again!""

"Oh dear yes, this is such a pain"

"The novelty is beginning to wane! - oh dear we're talking in rhyme again!"

"I'm fed up with this bloody competition caption!"

"Me too dear!"

"How do you think the Spoofers like it?"

It'squite simple... we just say nothing for a week

You mean deny us the oxygen of publicity?

So can I call the strike from Monday?

Yeah GOAT for it kid!

Yes Baby!

OK the first one to comment from Monday is a SCAB!!!!

I dont want to leave NC, I want to stay with my Rasta Dog

JC Teeeeddd ! Dont shoot me !!!!!

I can't believe you two lost your bells, were you drink again

"I think the interest in this caption competition is waning now!"

"We need fresh stimulus!"

"Bring on Cameron, that should get the Spoofer's going!"

"I see Boris beat Red Ken to keep his Mayor of London's job!"

"Ken just might get the job back in the 2014 elections!"

"Un we just might still be here to see it too!"

"Is it true there's a new spoofwriter called 12 inchcock?

"I don't really know, but I would like to meet him"

"It's true... he's a bit like inchcock, only he's always putting his foot in it!

What's the difference between David Cameron and Mark Lowton?

None... neither of them listen to us!!!!

We DEMAND a referendum... or we strike tomorrow

snooker loopy nuts are we, me and him and them and me

we'll show you what we can do with a load of balls and a snooker cue

we're all snooker ..... LOOPY!

What can we do to get our popularity back?

What about asking Boris?

Those Russians could help

There must be something we can do to get chucked off of this.

Perhaps if we start swearing.

Next suggestion!

"Perhaps we could insult Mark? That might get us off?"

"Talk about Mark time! Mark can be heartless to goats and Spoofers!"

"Who's Mark?"

"Goodbye, goodbye, we?re leaving you, skiddlydye"

"Goodbye, we wish a fond goodbye, fa-ta-ta-ta-ta, fa-ta-ta-ta"

"Day dreaming parents! So sad!"

Shut up, Junior!

Junior, behave!

Dad, your goatee smells funny!

Jasus H Christ, we've been here longer than the bloody coalition Government!

Tell me about it, my fannys healed up!

That Ed Balls has a nice pair don't you think?

"Being stuck here so long, is becoming a pain!"

"If we stay here much longer, we'll go insane!"

"We'll never get in the food chain!", now, we're talking in rhyme again!

Did you hear about Bin Laden

Yeah i know. I can not belive that they killed him.

Jee Guys GET WITH THE FLIPPING TIMES

"-----------------------------------------"

Don't ask, Son!

Mummy, what's a taxidermist?

"Okay, I give up, we'll just have to wait here then!"

"We've no choice dear, we've begged to be released and been ignored!"

"Yer... we've been framed!"

"In the name of humanity, I hope the Coalition don't last as long as we have!

"The Lib-Dems probably won't dear!"

"It's really getting to Mum and Dad now... help!"

Why is that photographer lying on the ground like that?

He's after an artistic angle I think. But he's got no chance.

I hate Penthouse shoots!

Look, if Rupert Murdoch can manipulate power in this country then I'm a gonna.

I say we jail all media employees and let the state run the whole damn thing.

I'm sorry I can't read that cue card.

The boys want me to audition for The Voice. What do you think?

Naaaaa, you'll never maaaaake it!

Dad thinks he's Tom Jones but he's really more like Naaaanaa Maskouri.

"Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.." What a great song!

"Bang on the pipes if the answer is no" Such memories that elicits. Ahhh!

Hey guys, just remember, we're GOATS. Oh by the way where's my milk bottle?

Obama says he favours gay marriage. Does that include consenting billy goats?

Are you trying to tell me something? Bisexual freak!

Look, I just live here. It's not complicated.

I can't stand this for much longer - I'm getting cramp in one of my legs

Let's commit a bad crime so a judge will sentence us to a nice long stretch

I'm hungry. Let's do something really bad so he'll give us lots of porridge.

I'm turning into a skeleton!

My milk has curdled, I think!

I could have had grandchildren myself by now!

"Baked beans were 18p a tin @ Lidl when we came on here!"

"Yesterday, they were selling for 30p a tin @ Lidl in Nottingham!"

"I'll soon be old enough to apply for a credit card so I can buy some!"

"I often wonder if farmer Giles is keeping well while we're on here?"

"I remember when he used to come and cuddle up with us on the cold mornings!"

"Blimey... that was the farmer was it? Oh dear!"

We've been here a very long time. Who won the football yesterday?

Never mind the football, who won the snooker?

Never mind the football and the snooker, when are you going to feed me?

"Swing low sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home".

Don't be so depressing. Nobody is going to eat us, are they?

Why does that cloaked figure in black approach with a scythe?

I remember when Margaret Thatcher came to see us all those years ago.

Did she bring Dennis? You know the geeky guy who never stopped smiling.

You're getting sleepy, very sleepy. Look into my eyes.

"I can remember when Sir David Attenborough was a kid!"

"He's always been an old goat!"

"You mean to say he's one of us?"

We've been here for ages

Not ages dear. We're still in Pisces but it will soon be the age of Aquarius

As we're goats perhaps Mark wants us to stay here for the age of Capricorn mum!

"I wish they would have provided us with some music while wait for freedom!"

"A nice bit of dance music would have been nice!"

"Yes.. then we could Mark time!"

"I hope this 500th caption entry means we'll be set free soon!"

"Well we can only hope and pray!"

"It's not even a funny one! The Spoofers are getting as desperate as we are!"

Be patient, by next month lots of flowers will be in bloom

I don't want to stand here admiring pretty flowers, I want something to eat!

What dad means is some passing pollen might blow our way to eat , or the odd bee

I have to admit becoming famous celebrities is harder than I thought

Give it time dear, give it time.

Here comes the postman now. Perhaps there'll be some fan mail for us today.

I'm a bit worried this beard makes me look like Jimmy Boyle

No Dear, yours is a gottee

I think he looks more like Mum bending over...

Are you still feeling self-conscious?

Little bit, people keep staring at me.

And I have to spend my formative years knowing my mum is a bearded lady.

Let's go for it, Son!

Yeah, kick some ass!

Dad, shall we go headbutt some spoofers?

"I don't know how much longer we can keep up this smiling lark?"

"Just do your best dear!"

"We're smiling?"

"Who's top of the hit parade nowadays then"

"No idea, who was top when we first came on this competition?"

"Elvis wasn't it?"

60 years on the throne - well done to Queen Elizabeth.

Seems like we've been here 60 years as well!

I thought Elton John was the Queen of England?

"Who was that load of humans who came to see us then?"

"Spoofer's that was, they came to see us real life!"

"God the're old, they must remember us coming on this competition!"

Don't move son.

Stay absolutely still our kid

Is it another wasp mum?

"I bet Mark is a Tory, that's why we're still here..."

"Ah yes dear, he's increased our retirement age you mean?"

"I Hope he doesn't put VAT on goat milk yoghurt!"

"I'm concerned about the... er what day is it?"

"Monday dear... or tea bags?"

"It's old age you know, poor buggers have been here so long!"

"When did we first start this 'Occupy the Caption Competition' lark?

"We didn't, we only came on to pose for a photograph!"

"Oh, they had camera's back then did they?"

It feels warmer today.

It won't last, it's just the heat from the flame.

The Olympic flame bearer runs through this area today!

Jedward have qualified for the Eurovision Song Contest Final

Thats right - they made it through in the second of three semi-finals.

Mummy - why does the Eurovision have 3 semi-finals and the FA Cup have only 2?

We've been asked Kurt Warner to relocate to St. Louis

We're on Catholic sweetie pie

Am I gonna be eaten as an appetizer by the Popa.

Kurt Warner said we'd feel at home in St. Louis.

Why go to a Catholic community?

My friends said Catholics like us for our milk and meat.

Oh look, they're painting a cycling lane along that road there.

People are so green nowadays another one will soon be added with their paint

Yeah, a recycling lane!

It's our annual fancy dress ball tonight. I'm going as a jockey - Lester Piggoat

I'm dressing up as the ballerina - Margoat Fonteyn

And I'm going as 'Rick' from the film 'Casablanca' played by Humphrey Bogoat!

At least we can dream to help pass the time away

Last night I had a lovely dream where I was running around our field

Mine was a nightmare - I dreamed I was standing here staring at that camera!

Lady Gaga has been banned in Indonesia, not before time I reckon.

I hear she bathes in warm goat's milk every morning.

Look can we discuss something more omnipresent, like the Greek debt crisis?

My accountant advises me that the net assets ratio is increasing.

Does that mean we can afford to go into deficit in the next trimester?

One thing I can't stand is unbridled aspiration.

Look, its so simple! Nine into twenty seven goes three times.

The calculation you use should be binumeral, but you won't listen.

Thye're getting on my goat!

So this giraffe walks into a bar....

Not this one again! You've only told this a hundred times.

"High on the hill stood a lonely goatherd..."

By gum, I think I can see Russia from here.

Stanley, may I remind you we're in New Zealand.

I need to pee.

Right now pot noodle is going for half price at your local supermarket.

Your local Boots store has all right reasons to shop there.

What?!! Now we're a bleedin' advertorial!

Who are these alien beings with cameras?

They're just taking shots for a magazine article on animal abuse.

Do you want to hear me sing "Land of my fathers"?

So, in a nutshell, the empirical idea is that economic rationalism is dead.

This new learning is amazing. So how does an aeroplane get off the ground?

I just wanna screw that female goat next door.

Is that Lady Gaga walking by?

Naa... wait, you might be right. Yes, it is her!

See what I have to put up with. Misplaced parental responsibility.

The RSPCA want me to be an ambassador for mental health.

Are they mad? You've got multiple personality disorder.

I'm the new Doctor Who.

"But I...can't...help...falling in love....with you"

Oh dreamboat, you're so romantic. But I don't like Elvis I'm afraid.

Who's KIDDING who? You be the judge.

Don't be a sissy son. They can't outstare us.

Don't let your mum and dad down now Billy

I can't help it mum, my legs feel all wobbly. I think I'm gonna fall over

I am Sparticus!

No, I am Sparticus!

Turned out nice again, in't it?

I've Broken the Ministerial Code

You are clever

My Daddy's broken the Ministerial Code!

Everyone's commenting on how long the Queen has been standing for the pageant.

90 minutes I believe

Yeah and thanks to 'Lord Lowton' we been standing here for 6 whole months!

I think we should receive this years' Nobel Prize!

What for?

Being OUTSTANDING in our field?

I hope Prince Philip makes a full recovery

So do I , what do you think KIDDO?

That means if the bladder infection comes back, there will be no more Royal WEE!

"Maude, are sure Mark has not forgotten us?"

"He needs my milk for his cheese"

"Really gets my goat the way you two go on"

That's a very boring movie we're watching through the farmhouse window on TV

I know, they've been embracing for months, but I don't want to miss the end

I wonder if the picture's frozen!

My Godfather used to be the boss of New York City.

His name was Don

No mum, he was known as Teflon Don, but his real name was John, John Goatti!

One day I wanna be famous.

You are now. You're on The Spoof, silly!

Look out Justin Bieber!

I must be getting old and losing my memory. What did we do last Monday?

Don't ask me, I can't remember yesterday. This is fun though, Just enjoy today.

I wish I was old!

"Look you daft cow! I have spoken to Mark.

"So when is going to milk us then?

"Cow?"

"Er, that's not Wayne Rooney hiding under that bridge down there is it?"

"No dear, it's just a troll..."

"Thank God! Let's go and eat all that juicy grass on the other side then..."

More rain coming, there's a big black cloud over there.

I wish they'd stop playing with that HARP

I think I just heard Keith Moon on his drums, mum!

I've just heard the news. The hosepipe ban is over.

What a relief

Can I have a wee-wee now mum?

Our kid was made a prefect at school today. He's wearing the badge on his ear

Have all your classmates been congratulating you at school today Billy.

Not sure mum. Mum, what does bossy boots mean?

It's really cold outside. Are you cold honey?

Freezing. My goatee is half the size of yours.

I haven't even hit puberty.

Why is that man leaning over that woman's behind. Why is he going back and forth

Some sort of dance maybe. Junior, you had better look away.

I love sexual promiscuity. Give her more baby.

Here's the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls

All of them had hair of gold, like their mother

The youngest one in curls.

"Not many entries nowadays is there Hilda?"

"They have more important things to worry about dear!"

"Like, beer, sex, HRM, and their medications!"

I reckon Mark Lowton uses the same system as NatWest

Maybe - those poor humans being frozen out of their accounts for days

yeah but we've been frozen out for the last six months!

"How much longer can we keep up this false smiling for Spoofers to get votes?"

"As long as they keep voting I suppose dear!"

"If it's alright for Cameron it'll do me!"

Did you see my brother on TV today on London Bridge?

Who's his bitch?

That would be none other than Cherie Blair that he is stringing along!

"Some people don't get these goat jokes you know dear!"

"No dear, their just not tickled with em!"

"They've goat to have a sense of humour!"

"Two or more cheetahs are known as a 'Coalition' you know!"

"It's about the same in UK politics as well!"

"Oh Mother!"

Our capital spending on the GDP is the lowest in all the OECD countries.

Net expenditure on consumer goods rose in proportion to price increases.

(yawn) I want to watch porn.

We're the three Billy Goats Gruff!

You speak for yourself!

AWW The Nanny State BUTTS in!

England are out of Euro 2012 - beaten on penalties - AGAIN

I blame Ashley Cole

I blame Ashley Young

"A lot's happened since we came on here!"

"Yer, riots, wars, England out of the Euro..."

"Another million unemployed, more murders... nothing unusual then!"

I reckon George Osbourne has a sheep fetish.

What makes you say that dear?

He's made another EWE-turn!

"I'm getting fed up with that same faces looking at the screen!"

"Yes, that disappointed look when they realises we're still here!"

"You'd have thought they'd have made a screensaver of us to kill the boredom!"

Here comes that vet again for his monthly visit. I wonder how much he charges.

Too much, he's a nincompoop. What did he tell the farmer our kid has last time?

He said it's something called 'Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder'.

"When it comes to the time for our replacement, I don't know what we'll do!"

"Farmer's weekly pin-ups?, Go on McDonalds new menu?...."

"How do you know McDonald's will last as long long as this competition Mum?"

"The Lib-Dem supporters are having a march over our fields today!"!"

"I hope they behave themselves!"

"Yes, both of them!"

"High on a hill with a lonely goatherd..."

"Yodel adel odel adel oh. oh, oh..."

"Hang on, we did that one last January!"

"Im Ronnie"

"Im Reggie

"Im getting shafted arent I"

"Is there an Olympic Caption Competition?"

"Don't be be a silly-billy dear!"

"If there was, we're already training for the marathon!"