"My name is Luka, I live on second floor. No one has seen me for many days, weeks, months. Where am I? Do I look constipated? What cannot emerge from my assholes? I do not know. I had doctor who told me bad news - "retired" - which means many things in Belarus, but really only one thing."
The whereabouts of the leader of Belarus remain unknown, as he seems to have forgotten his giant hat - a symbol of intelligence and bravery in the face of battle and a constant reminder to others to work fighting many enemies or don’t come home alive.
The other little men in their oversized hats will never forgive Luka for losing his hat. And what about his chest full of medals? Only in nations close to Russia can one witness such ridiculous displays of men burdened by countless medals. Well, maybe in China and North Korea, and other backward states that have failed to progress beyond the 12th century. (In the West, kings wear robes and fur - FUR IS MURDER – and this is old but still okay, I guess, except for The Smiths.)
Lukashenko may have incurred Putin's wrath and now finds himself "retired." It's difficult to ascertain what happens when old bigots slow down, their health deteriorates, and their body doubles get injured or are exposed to the light of day.
Will Alex Luka rise from the dead and declare to the world, "I okay. Ukraine has not killed me. Putin is still my dear friend. No elections in Belarus for democracy or to bring my rival, in exile, back home to govern and throw off the oppressive yoke of Putin."
"I am Lukashenko. I am still alive. Unless I'm not."
He is Luka. He lives on the second floor. He is not Putin's bitch. He is a great leader. All must bow before the presumed dead dictator. Or maybe he's still alive. No one can be certain.
Where is Luka?
PS: My apologies to Suzanne Vega.
