That’s right, the Son of Jehovah has finally returned to save us all … again.
Seems the first time didn’t work so well – in fact, some would say the world has become worse since Jesus stepped his holy foot on Earthly soil. Two thousand years of genocide at the hands of Catholics … yeah, I’d call that a “saved” planet. (Not to mention what all the other Christian sects have done to their own and others over the centuries.)
Several priests were caught eating meat on Friday, which is also Easter, apparently a “holy day”. What did Jesus do? He overthrew some money changers (old habits die hard) then had a falafel (you could see his ribs, poor messiah, can’t get a decent meal in the Holy Land) then took the meat out of people’s hands and stuffed it into his mouth.
Eating with his mouth full (a pardonable sin, so JC was okay with it), Jesus said, “Mmmrf ghhhre mumsher wad!”
Interpreters think “wad” meant “god”, so Jesus was probably telling everyone AGAIN how powerful he is … even though he got hisself crucified.
Donald Trump was quoted as saying, “Jesus is a loser, he got himself killed, I only like winners.”
Jesus didn’t stick around for long. He asked an Israeli why Palestinian children were being beaten, arrested, tortured, and sometimes killed by soldiers and cops and pretty much everyone not a Palestinian.
Once he was told about apartheid (though that word isn’t used in Israel, under penalty of stoning – ah, the Holy Land … nothing changes in thousands of years, that’s just how evil that real estate is), Jesus said,
“Ah fuck that! Didn’t you people hear me the first time? What was the point of me? Wait, what’s a Christian? I didn’t call them that. I’m Jewish – I’m a Jewish religion – well, a cult at least. Who are all you people? You know what, fuck it, I’m not here to save any one again – you fuckers fucked it up, you’re all assholes who can never be changed. I’d rather be in the Coliseum being eaten by lions. Do the Romans still have that? Are there still Romans?”
Well, Roman Catholics, but no, history moves forward and tribes of people die out … but not Christians, thank fucking god …
… poor, Jesus, he created a world that got away from him and now even the Son of Nobody can get it back. “Can’t even save himself,” a couple of old gossiping Israeli widows were quoted saying, right behind the messiah’s back. Lucky he didn’t hear them or they would get so smited!
For now … Jesus wanders lost around Jerusalem, carrying another cross on his shoulder, desperately asking anyone to nail him up, “So’s I can go home again. I don’t like it here. I want my daddy!”
The savior of mankind, ladies and germs … still can’t find room at the inn.
