MOSCOW - (Satire News) - One of Putin's closest advisors has informed The Kremlin Voice that the Russian leader is angry-as-hell after reading reports that every day thousands of his regular troops are defecting.
The report stated that the Communist soldiers are sick and tired of having to survive on a daily diet of potato chips, M&Ms, and carrot sticks, as well as on expired bottles of water, fake vodka, and counterfeit Mountain Dew.
One high-ranking Russian colonel told a reporter for the KV, that he is predicting that it won't be long before Putin decides to retreat and return what little army he has to Russia.
The colonel noted that even a regiment of Ukrainian women inflicted high casualties to one of Russia's famed regiments, The Moscovian Maniacs, which were once considered the counterparts of the US Green Berets were forced to retreat after getting their asses kicked by the ballsy Ukrainian female soldiers.
Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin's personal cook has said that he has had a horrible case of diarrhea for the past 6 days, which he attributes to the humongous fucking stress the Russian leader is going through.
