Jesus Comes Back, Gets Shot in Mass Shooting

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Monday, 10 April 2023

image for Jesus Comes Back, Gets Shot in Mass Shooting
Does a Blood Religion like Christianity Encourage Mass Shootings and Gun Worship? Discuss.

Jesus Christ came back to life this Easter, but in Kentucky! And shortly thereafter, lo, the Lord was shot during another mass shooting in America.

Everywhere around the world, they’re coming to America!

The Lord and Savior of Nothing was trying to tell everyone to be calm, but there was a lone shooter with, of course, an AR-15 popping clips, reloading, and reciting his Second Amendment Rights as he did so.

Ironically, Jesus was NOT shot by him.

Sergeant Wally Dali said, “We seen this long-haired hippie Antifa sumbitch and figured him to be the shooter, so I had my deputies open fire and kill that bare-footed socialist homosexual filthy with lice!”

(Now that’s a cop you want as a … cop? Sorry, was that really what a Kentuckian cop sounds like? And these people remain employed? Wha? Oh right, sorry.)

The Lord got riddled with 75 hollow point rounds that picked his body to pieces. Magically, he reformed himself – pulled a Lazarus – and then got mad.

He said to the cops and the shooter (who had run out of bullets, and was entranced with Jesus, since the shooter, of course, was Christian, and just stood next to the cops listening … the police said the shooter got away … and then everybody went to Burger King on the taxpayer’s tab) … “Okay you assholes,” this Jesus saying this, “From now on no – and I mean NO – America Christian has the right to worship me. You’re not getting into heaven – I can’t make that clearer. Your nation is worse than Sodom and Gomorrah and Topeka, Kansas combined. If God hears about this, there’s gonna have to be another Flood. There almost is with all that global warming shit you people have been doing – and America is the worse polluter. You want that? I got God’s ear better than the Pope, so I can make some seriously bad shit happen! No Americans get into MY heaven! Enjoy your MAGA afterlife, worse than Hell. You all have to suck Trump’s – ”

The Lord got cut off there by another few rounds shot by a deputy who got frightened by his own shadow. (Ah, Kentuckian cops …)

And Bob Marley was nowhere to be found … but probably in a better heaven than any American for the next 2000 years or so, or whenever Jesus tries to come back again and NOT get killed. What’s with that guy, anyway? Stay home, don’t come back here if you value your stigmata, dude.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more