Satan called me up yesterday (we’re old old friends) and was crying.
“Hey, hey, Prince of Darkness, wassa matter, buddy?”
He sobbed and sucked snot up his nose, then sobbed some more. I gave him time to settle down and talk.
“The Supreme Court ruling ... it’s not fair -- it’s just not fair! WAAAAAAA!”
He cried for another solid 15 minutes before he blew his nose and came back to the phone.
“Talk to me, Satan,” I coaxed in soothing tones. “You can trust me. I’m evil just like you. I write wacky articles that sometimes piss people off. If comedy isn’t satanic, I don’t know –”
“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you,” he began. “I used to be the Number One Guy that all Christians – regardless of whether they were Amish, Mormons, Baptist, Catholic, Russian Orthodox, Shakers, Episco ... Episs – whatever those ones call themselves – or some weird Christian cult drinking Kool-Aid – I was ALWAYS THE BAD GUY! UNTIL NOW! WAAAAAA!”
I sighed audibly into the phone and waited.
Then I made a guess.
“The Christians hate pregnant teens now more than you? And Democrats? You’re not even Number 2 or 3 or 4. I’m guessing they hate Nancy Pelosi more than you, am I right?”
He croaked, “Yuh-hunh.”
“Poor guy. Hey there, stop your crying, little buddy. You’ll be Number One again. The most hated of all. Muslims and Jews still hate you, don’t they? Three Abrahamic religions all hate your guts so much they attack each other! See all the madness you cause but just existing and not actually doing anything – only what crazy religious people THINK you’re doing? That’s saying something, don’t cha think? Lots of other demons aren’t hated that much – hell, those three religions probably don’t even remember all the demons they’re supposed to hate. Science has destroyed so much mythology that, to be honest, it’s amazing anyone still believes in you at all!”
“WAAAAAAA!”
Oh shit, I made things worse. He wouldn’t stop crying, feeling like nothing but a myth. If only Jesus would turn back into a myth so America could have its scientific brain back.
When Satan cries, all mentally-sound people cry with him (and the brain-damaged laugh.)
Poor little guy ...
