Americans who blanched at the unprecedented infringement of Constitutional freedoms they experienced in the form of lockdowns, church shutdowns, and business closures, all in the name of mitigating an illness with a sub-one-percent mortality rate, have expressed relief and even delight that they now face only an unprecedented abridgement of their right to bodily autonomy in the form of mandatory COVID-19 vaccines.
“As long as we give the government the right to mandate what goes into our bodies, we get total freedom,” said Mickey Hayes of Brooklyn, New York. “Not a bad bargain in my book!”
Self-described rockstar partier Kylie Johnson of Seattle, Washington, agreed. “I'd by a hypocrite if I suddenly claimed to be discerning about what goes into my body. It’s not like my body was some kind of temple before this. And I’ve certainly tried my share of experimental chemical cocktails - so why not this one? Especially since it's my passport to, well,life."
Polls indicate that only a few “fringe” Americans continue to cling to the notion that the physical danger posed by the untested, unapproved COVID-19 vaccine is dwarfed only by the greater existential threat of looming technocracy – and those that do are, by most accounts, anti-Semitic and/or suffering from mental health disorders.
“The theory that the emergency-authorized vaccine mandates pose troubling implications for the future has been definitively debunked,” said Alex Radinsky of Cambridge, Massachusetts. “It was a Harvard study, as I recall. And who's going to argue with Harvard?"
That being said, remain a small number of radical outliers who adhere to the outdated notion that they have the right to make decision that affect their own bodies and health. One such outlier is Johanna Crowley of Portland, Oregon, who not only does not intend to take the COVID-19 inoculation, but unlike an ever-growing proportion of the population, does not even take a daily medication for anxiety, depression or other mood disorder.
"There you go," said Radinsky, who asserts that people like Crowley only prove his point that vaccine hesitancy is a sign of an underlying mental disorder. “I’ve been responsible about taking my psych meds for over a decade. Between her and me, who’s the more credible source?”
