Absence of Sexual Assault Allegations Against Sanders Causes Some to Question Viability of His Candidacy

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

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Some describe the absence of sexual assault allegations against Sanders as "creepy."

After presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was recorded describing his preferred means of sexually harassing women, and Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was alleged to have sexually assaulted former staffer Tara Reade, the lack of any sexual assault allegations whatsoever against Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has caused some to question the viability of his presidential candidacy.

“Not to be politically incorrect, but men who make it in politics sexually harass,” said registered Independent Ron Parker of Wyoming. “The fact that there’s never even been a glimmer of impropriety around Sanders makes me wonder if he has what it takes.”

Julie Johnson of New York City agreed. “It’s creepy,” she said of the utter absence of sexual assault allegations against Sanders. “It suggests to me that he’s totally unwilling to work with women.”

Nevertheless, Sanders’s most steadfast supporters, including some white males, have pledged to stick by the senator in his continued quest for the Democratic nomination and, ultimately, the presidency. “Even if he hasn’t had the breadth of experience you’d tend to expect in a presidential candidate,” said New York voter Kyle Munson, “at the end of the day, he’s one of us. And I’m confident he’ll grow into the office.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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