Beloved television soap Emmerdale has been leaking ratings like a man with a pissing problem.
Producers of the show have decided that enough is enough, the show must return to its original title - EMMERDALE FARM.
Sex will no longer happen in the show. Teenagers will be banned.
Instead, viewers will get lots of prune-faced old Annie Sugden sitting in a rocking chair and looking out a window at some sheep.
Despite the actor who played him being actually dead in real life, Seth Armstrong is coming back.
ITV has spared no expense and used human genome experts to recreate the grouchy old coot with the whiskery handlebar moustache.
Each episode will revolve around nothing happening at all.
The Woolpack pub will see the return of Henry Wilks and mutton-chopped moaner Amos Brearly.
They will stand behind the bar and talk shite over a half-pint of bitter.
There will be a tractor in every scene, regardless of whether it is indoors or outdoors.
ITV expect the ratings to shoot through the roof, especially during the World Cup when they expect most people couldn't be arsed watching a bunch of men running around kicking a pigs bladder.
'Celebrity' fans have already backed the plans.
"It'll just be like the good old days", said Ant from Ant & Dec to nobody in particular.
"I like licking my owner's bum", said Amanda Holden's cat.
