R. Kelly Is In Dire Crises

Funny story written by Astroid Crunch

Friday, 1 July 2022

image for R. Kelly Is In Dire Crises
R. Kelly wants to be transferred to this prison cell in Norway.

London Press: After R. Kelly was sentenced Wednesday to 30 years in prison, his lawyers filed an international human rights abuse case with the UN. They want to transfer Mr. Kelly to Bastoy prison in Norway.

U.S. District Judge Anna Banana handed down the sentence in Brooklyn, New York after several lawyers had put into action civil lawsuits demanding millions from Kelly's music label. One plaintiff yelled in court, "My Mama didn't inherit me nothing and you gonna pay my bills and buy me a Mansion!"

A lawyer, Puma Goldberg, who represents a plaintiff, yelled at Mr. Kelly outside of court, "You Sir, owe me a living and I will be collecting all my legal fees from you, believe it or not!"

Kelly's lawyer said his client declared bankruptcy several months ago and only has a pair of shoe laces in his possession.

The white judge named Banana minced no words as she threw the book at the once-beloved performer who at one time had a female following of 23 million fans.

"You were a person who had great advantages — worldwide fame and celebrity and untold money," she said. "You brought down your hopes and dreams, deciding to breed your kind in opposition to the Caucasian people."

An R. Kelly fan, from France, named Rickety Martin said, "I don't have that kind of problem, I only date men and I have asset protection lawyers; it's impossible a white judge would come after me like that."

Kelly's lawyer argues that the US prison system is potentially violent, has a deplorable atmosphere, causes mental illness, and it's fashioned after draconian dungeon's. The U.S. prison system is considered cruel and unusual punishment and violates the US Constitution. As evidence, they presented boxes with 25,000 documents showing abuse and neglect from the US prison system.

"Mr. Kelly would like to be transferred to Bastoy Prison in Norway where he could serve his 30-year prison sentence under sane conditions for his rehabilitation," said his lawyer Alberto Einstein.

His lawyers are preparing a human rights case, on behalf of Mr. Kelly, with the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights (OHCHR), against the US courts and the US prison system.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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