By roving reporter, Man in a Spoons:
I remember that one. Doris, his name was. Doris Bunsen. Yes, that were him.
He were a right mess when I first saw him. He looked like a bleeding scarecrow. I thought he might be one o' them robot scarecrows, until he opened his mouth. No robot would ever talk like that. Come to think of it, why would they send a robot to Eton?
Well, they tried to get rid of him, you know. It's very difficult to get rid of someone when they refuse to move. I had the same problem with me neighbour's cat, he was always coming into my back garden. He would sit there for hours not doing anything, except occasionally licking hisself. I asked the neighbour to put out a saucer of milk to tempt him back in but he wouldn't budge. Eventually he died - the neighbour, not the cat.
Anyway, back to Doris. As far as I can tell the only thing he likes is the Cash and Carry. His wife works there I think. She's as thick as a horse's feedbag as well - well she'd have to be. Someone said to me, how could any groan woman like him.
Well that surprised me, I'd never heard of a groan woman. It made me think, maybe it's like one of them mucky adverts for a phone line that says "hear housewives moan". I rang one of those up once, I expected it would be some old hag complaining about her husband not doing the dishes. I were dead wrong about that. It was a woman who kept talking about her Renault car, I forget which make. She kept saying about how she was going to touch it and it made her feel hot. I said, well maybe the engine's overheating, you should take it to a garage, you silly old trout, and I hung up.
Oh, you've got to go? Don't mind me, I'm just enjoying a morning ale, but as it's such a nice day I might stay here for a few hours more. Just like Doris, nothing's going to make me move either.
