The war in Ukraine has led to the largest humanitarian crisis in Europe since the Second World War. Over a million refugees have fled the country so far. Most European nations have agreed to accept a large number of them, but the UK is lagging behind.
"We will allow any Ukrainian refugees into the country," said Home Secretary Priti Patel. "As long as they can swim the Channel with all their necessary paperwork."
Only fifty Ukrainians have so far managed to fulfil the UK government's refugee requirements - which is that they need to either have relatives in the country already, or to have applied for a fruit-picking job in the summer.
"It's not that we're trying to create a hostile environment," said Patel. "We are just a naturally hostile government."
Meanwhile, Daily Mail readers somehow managed to raise over £500,000 for Ukrainian refugees. Editor Geoff Gunt said, "The reason we raised so much is that we promised the money would go towards ensuring those refugees stay in Poland."
Prime Minister Boris Johnson said that the UK was doing all it could to help. "I can't see what else we could possibly do. We've already let in fifty of the blighters, and my wealthy Russian chums will stop donating to the Conservative party if we let in any more."
