Chutney on the Fritz least eligible bachelor Brian Asshat has once again bought all of the Post Office's Valentine's Cards.
'Yes,' said Brian. 'As I have done for years, I will be sending a Valentine card to all of the women in the hamlet, I mean there are only 11 of them, and none have worked out that I have been sending them yet'.
Lorraine Johnson said, 'We all know it is Brian sending them, but I haven't told him.'
Sarah Fitzmaurice added, 'Every year I hope that I will get a Valentine card from Thomas Johnson, but it is always the same one from Brian Asshat. I mean I am now 17, and he must be in his sixties. It is so wrong.'
Thomas Johnson said, 'Every year I want to send a Valentine Card to Sarah, but Brian always beats me to it.'
Sergeant Captain Fishfinger said, 'Of course, Brian is very well known to us, but until he does something more sinister than sending valentine's cards to every woman in Chutney on the Fritz, we will just leave him to it. I mean, he is lethal when he is throwing shoes at you, and I have a 1st degree in English, and the cretin is still finding fault with my grammar.'
Brian finished by saying, 'I see no harm in this type of behaviour at all. It brightens up everyone's days, doesn't it?'
