There was delight in the Sponge household this Valentines Day when Sharon, 46, forgot what a useless turd she'd married the moment he presented her with a box of Ferrero Rocher and a scrap of red polyester in a heart-shaped box.
"It's wonderful," she gushed. "Yes, I've only just finished the tube of cream I had to buy after wearing the knickers he got me last year, and I'm allergic to nuts, but this makes up for all the times he forgot to put the bin out, came home drunk and of course, every single time he farted in bed and Dutch ovened me."
However, Mrs Sponge did admit that there was one more thing her husband could do that would be even more romantic.
"If he got me some of those handcuffs from Anne Summers I'd have proper fizzy knickers," she admits. What's sexier than the thought of being unable to escape from a man who thinks brushing his teeth counts as foreplay?"
