JOLLY ROGER, England – (Satire News) – The infamous Loch Ness Monster of Scottish Gaelic folklore was first discovered on September 13, 1933, at 4:35 am in Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands.
Unlike La Chupacabra creature in Texas, Nessie is not really ugly, or at least not as ugly as U.S. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Several Scottish shepherds, goat herders, and monkey trainers report having seen the sea monster up close.
One monkey trainer, Alvin T. Titzberger, said that Nessie has the skin of Godzilla and smells like a room full of 40 or so skunks.
Another individual who saw the sea creature is Penelope P. Pityweather, 43, who is a retired prostitute living with her elderly uncle Bloomy and his pet Reindeer “Reddy.”
P.P., as her clients used to call her, said that Locky as some residents of Peru refer to Nessie is not a male sea monster, but is actually a hermaphrodite sea creature who has both a penis and a pussy, along with 7 ovaries.
SIDENOTE: Reports coming out of the Kremlin state that President Valdimir Putin is sending a battleship to Scotland to capture Nessie and take her back to Russia.
