The highly anticipated first annual drug cartel speedboat races kicked off with a bang. As rival cartels joined forces to showcase their skills and settle scores, the event took an unexpected turn.
First, the Cali Cartel had to teach a "lesson" to one of its many rivals, the Los Bolos Cartel, who in return taught some new "skills" to the Cali boys. It was good to see rivals putting aside their differences and helping each other out.
However...
One speedboat exploded as soon as the ignition was turned, yet no cartel claimed the disaster as their own. In fact, they all said "those dead homies" were not with them, and neither was the speedboat, though several offered to take it away and give it a thorough search.
The referee was given many free bags of white powder by several unknown men with ornate cotton scarves around their faces from the nose down and dark sunglasses from the nose up.
A speedboat from the Diablos Cartel and Motorcycle gang shot off the mark before the starter gun was fired and was disqualified. Another judge of the contest soon went missing and was found dumpster diving, for some reason, and failed to respond when officials asked if he was feeling okay.
The hot afternoon wore on, and blood ran in the Pacific Ocean. They said it was food coloring that had been poured into the water in honor of St. Chollo's Day, a Mexican martyr and saint who died last Tuesday.
No one would give this reporter a single interview, so it has been hard to find out who's who and why things kept blowing up. Like the beer tent, which was apparently serving the "wrong beer."
I decided to stop covering a race that was never going to happen, so as not to come down with some kind of illness or accident myself. I avoided all dumpsters and hitched a ride with a couple of nice fellas in a car known as a "lowrider."
Now, those should be having a race! They're so cool and like to hop a lot!
Please, if you see my wife and family, tell them I'm okay. I am not a hostage, and I should be home in the next year or two, if all goes well, and El Capitain Woof Woof doesn't have one of his "headaches" again.
Don't drink and drive speedboats, kids.
