The curious life of Charles Darwin

Funny story written by Jake de Fake

Friday, 2 June 2023

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"Evolution is such an amazing mechanism," says little Darwin the first.

It's midnight, and wolves can be heard howling during a full moon. With a window open, the strong scent of lavender can be detected in the home of Robert Darwin's family.

Mrs. Darwin is ready to give birth, and she's in labor pains. They have decided their first child should be born in a hospital, though at the time, this was unusual as most babies were born at home.

The year is 1809, and the Darwins live in Shrewsbury, England, where Roger is a wealthy society doctor and financier.

Roger hopes to have a boy that he can enroll at Cambridge University one day. Roger graduated from Cambridge and chose to go to Cambridge rather than Oxford because he didn't like the sound of Ox in Oxford. It reminds him of the dreadful cow manure he had to sprinkle on his father's lawn.

On the September morning when the baby is being born at the hospital, Roger dresses fastidiously and rushes to the Shrewsbury Private Hospital for Ladies and Gentlemen, with a mixture of nerves and excitement. Just outside the hospital, Roger happens to see Doctor Seuss, the family physician. Roger notices a strange expression on Doctor Seuss' face and worriedly asks about his wife and newborn baby. Doctor Seuss does not answer directly and walks away in disbelief, shaking his head.

Roger Darwin, now terrified, walks hesitatingly through the hospital doors. He approaches the nurse at the desk and identifies himself. The nurse's cheery demeanor vanishes instantly, and she appears ready to run away. Roger asks to see his child, and the nurse tells him to go upstairs. Roger goes to the second floor where another nurse greets him. He again identifies himself and asks to see his child. The nurse is so startled that she drops the basin she is holding, and it clanks down the stairs. She agrees to take Roger to see the child and complains that Darwin shouldn't lose his mind.

Roger follows the nurse to the room where newborns are kept. He asks which baby is his, and the nurse points. What Roger sees confuses him. Stuffed into one of the cribs and wrapped in a white blanket is a baby chimpanzee. Roger Darwin balks at the suggestion that this is his newborn baby, but the nurse assures him that it is. The baby chimpanzee asks Roger whether he is his father and if Roger can take him out of there. Roger Darwin steps back in shock and says, "I must be in Disney Land, this can't be real." The nurse insists he take the child home today, and he agrees. The child expresses relief at this, complaining about the crying of all the other babies.

Roger Darwin stands stupefied and begins to imagine the embarrassment of having to bring home this "child." The nurse snaps that Roger and his child need to leave immediately, and the child announces that he won't leave the hospital wearing only a blanket. The nurse then commands Roger to go into town and buy baby clothes for the child. As Roger leaves, the child calls out to him and tells him to buy him a tiny tuxedo with a red bow tie that has white polka dots.

Mr. Darwin persists in trying to make his son, now named Charles, appear as "normal" as possible.

He gets a visit from Doctor Seuss who gives the boy an intellectual test and also does a general check-up on his health. He tells Roger that his son is some type of prodigious savant with an IQ level of 980. Roger's face lights up with joy that his son is not only healthy but an extraordinary genius.

At first, he forces Charles to drink milk instead of eating food, then relents and allows him to eat bananas with buttered bread. He brings home toys for babies and children and commands Charles to play with them. However, Charles' "brilliant mind" cannot be suppressed. He reads all of his father's medical books. He takes other books and learns every level of math, science, and law.

At first, the news of the Darwins' new child is a scandal in Shropshire. Many accuse Mrs. Darwin of having an affair with Dongo the zoo gorilla. Roger Darwin publishes Charles' birth certificate as proof of his authenticity, but people refuse to believe it because of Charles' appearance.

Charles continues to do his best to please his parents. He patiently endures playdates with adolescent girls in the neighborhood. They treat him more like a pet than a best friend. One girl had the audacity to ask Charles to swing from a tree so she could see him in action.

When Charles accidentally breaks a bird feeder with a slingshot, his father is almost proud of him. He compliments Charles for doing something silly rather than talking endlessly about the laws of physics. Charles feels very comfortable with his grandfather, who is a science professor at Oxford University. His grandfather enjoys listening to Charles give intellectual discussions.

At age five, Charles is sent to kindergarten, but he is bored by it and frequently complains he's in the wrong classroom and dozes off during activities. The teacher tells his parents that Charles needs to be transferred to a university because of his higher intellectual capacity. He's removed from the school, to his great relief, and gets transferred to Cambridge University.

By age twelve, Charles has graduated and works as a physics teacher at his grandfather's Oxford University. Around this time, Charles looks in the mirror and feels that he's more human than other people. He reads stories about wars, economic disasters, and violent protests from around the world. He reasons that people are too primitive for not solving problems in the world.

When visiting a zoo, he becomes attracted to a female chimpanzee his age. He climbs into the enclosure and sets up his chess game, encouraging the female chimpanzee to play with him. She becomes excited and runs around expressing herself like a typical chimpanzee. She rips away a thick branch from a tree and starts thrashing it on the floor. In her apparent happiness, she hurls the handmade chessboard across her enclosure, destroying the chess game. Charles is devastated and picks up the broken queen game piece. He holds it up close to his face for inspection and declares to himself that the female chimpanzee is no queen but instead, she's an incongruous creature.

One morning years later, Charles works up the courage to tell his father that he wants to marry his longtime girlfriend, Cressida Rose Dick. His father, who has promised himself to treat Charles like any other person, resists at first, disliking Cressida's last name. After some discussion, the two compromise, and Charles is allowed to marry with his father's blessing. His father wants to be the best man at his wedding.

As years pass, Charles Darwin drives an automobile. His wife gives birth to a baby boy who looks perfectly human. His son is born with the same high intelligence as Charles.

Over the course of the next fifteen years, the Darwins' hardware business grows and flourishes, mostly due to Charles' business savvy. The family becomes so successful that high society in Britain has no choice but to welcome them, despite past rumors. Charles himself feels and looks better than ever. He's 6 feet tall and walks upright. His energy levels are high, and he relishes having fun. His father now adores him, and Charles even shores up his relationship with his father-in-law.

His son, who's named Charles Darwin Jr., publishes his theory of evolution with compelling evidence in a book titled "The Origin of Species." He understands that his father's condition is a result of dormant genes that reemerged through his grandparents' union. In the end, everything about his father's oddity fades away from history.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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