MIRA! MS 12.5, El PENDEHO, Presidente! State Patrol Captures CopKiller in CUBA

Funny story written by harrytrumanmo

Friday, 24 March 2023

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"Everything's Free in America Pendehos"

Puerto Ricans, Haitians, and members of the feared, machete-carrying Honduran gang, Los Pendehos, celebrated last night in the courtyards of subsidized housing on the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

Members of the powerful congressional democratic women group, Las Loca Putas, joined them.

"Viva La Huelga," "Viva La Raza," "No Mas Israel," "Viva Central New Jersey Home Owners Associations and townhouse developments where we can bid the lowest and destroy people's lawns and make their roof's leak!" "Mira,Mira, Mira" they shouted demonstrating the level of vocabulary you need to graduate college south of our border.

They said "salud" and toasted with Coke and peyote empanadas singing "One Ton Tomato,' like it was Cinqo de Mayo, a Julio Iglesias record played and even the neighboring state's Highway Patrol showed up to celebrate the capture of a most wanted fugitive who escaped in a laundry from a women's correctional facility over 50 year's ago. Senors Fidel and Raoul welcomed her as a hero back then and adopted her as a long-lost daughter.

One of the nation's most admired Highway Patrol Departments lost an officer during a shootout during one of the most militant, turbulent times in American history. Even the macho Honduran gangs and MS 12.5 members who show how big their cohones are by trafficking eight year olds and working as roofers and landscapers in Central New Jersey would have been putas then on Bergen Street in Newark.

Fidel and Raoul took care of and hid this famous fugitive who changed her name to something even more radical and revolutionary.

Her nomme de guerre is now Wheezy Waspybilt. Wheezy, also unfortunately know as "W" (pronounced in Crawford, Texas as 'dubya') has been really homesick since finding out she has three grandchildren in Flint, Michigan who haven't been able to afford bottled water.

She spends her days dreaming of Che Guevara, rolling Havana cigars, and dreams of being a Puerto Rican on the Lower East Side of Manhattan living in public housing and traveling to Candado Beach every winter.

There's nothing like drinking a Coca Cola at the corner of Grand and Lewis Streets in New York City and watching all those odd fellows in heavy long black coats in the middle of July with those 50 pound beaver hats the size of Volkswagen tires on their way to Willoughby's or the Diamond District! Why any Puerto Rica who would want to sit on a beautiful beach in the Caribbean drinking rum in a string bikini and scooping the insides of baby coconuts into their mouths that taste like the creamiest ice cream this side of Zurich instead of drinking Coke and watching these escapees from Cracow have their core body temperatures rise to 110 degrees, I'll never know!

Wheezy escaped with outside assistance in a cart full of women's prisoner's underwear on its way from the correctional facility's loading dock over 50 years ago while overpaid state civil service union employees earning an average of $100,000 annually smoked and complained to each other about the quality of their free lunches in the recently renovated staff lunchroom. "Really," one of them was heard saying, "surf and turf only on Fridays now. The filet mignon last week wasn't even that great, and where did they get those lobsters? Also, the breakfasts just aren't what they used to be. They call those 'croissants'? My overpaid butt they are!"

While some of the nation's highest paid civil servants commiserated over these egregious violations to their union contract, the famous Black '60s radical was helped to crawl into a laundry cart under her fellow prisoner's socks, underwear, and prison uniforms that thad been collecting for the past two weeks. The smell immediately put her into a medically induced coma--as was part of the Black Spotted Leopard's Liberation Party's (BSLLP) plan--as BSLLP members wearing make-up to look like Jersey rednecks and dressed in company uniforms wheeled Wheezy (a.k.a., Kenya Mumumba a.k.a. Shante Jones from Willingboro).

Under the Castros' protection and with their world famous national health plan, Wheezy received free medical care to have her reproductive organs switched.

Serendipitously, a man in Alabama died full bull in bed with Miss Alabama last night and on his donation card he had written: I donate my wood to fugitive member of the Black Spotted Panther wanted for wasting a highway patrol officer in the 1960s and escaping to the protection of Fidel and Raoul in Havana after escaping from a women's correctional facility under a pile of fellow prisoners undergarments that make the Fulton Fish Market smell like Chanel Number 5.

Miraculously, this man a world champion heavyweight boxer from Guyana and recently deceased following a thirty-six hour 'interlude' with a former Miss Alabama was found in her Birmingham bedroom.

"That man," the former Miss Alabama recalled. "Wow. I've seen winners of the Kentucky derby who didn't even come near in size to that man's tackle. When I met him online, I thought he must be faking it. No human can have a package like that without implants and enough Viagara to match the size of the State Workers' Pension Fund. I mean, I'm surprised we didn't get in trouble with one of those 'pornography regulatory agencies in this country' like the Security and Exchange Commission or the Department of Insurance and Banking. But I guess those agencies are too busy keeping us safe from Silicon Valley Banker gonifs ruining ordinary people's lives by lying to their depositors and 'investing' their life savings with hedge fund managers, venture capitalists, insider traders, speculators, derivatives purchasers, and all the others who destroyed the economy in 2008 and got buildings named after them at Ivy League Universities.

"Thank goodness we had great people in our federal government to watch over our economy (Tim Shyster or something, and Larry Winters or was it another season he was named after--no, I think it was 'Winters'--he must have been related to Jonathan Winters).

"Anyway, isn't this a great country?

"President I'm totally sexy dancing on the Ellen Degeneres Show and taking photographs with Bruce Springsteen really knew what to do.

"You can always count on a 'globalist' who becomes apoplectic when you say 'nativist' or 'tribalist' and always gives women a multiple when he says, 'love you back' at rallies to know exactly what to do.

"Yes sir, Tim, Larry, and the Prez gave a ton of money to the banks, automobile companies, and the very financial firms that have hired the top parasites from the top business schools since 1929.

"The Prez and his boys left the Glass-Steagle 'firewall' that was supposed to separate the risk from the non-risk sides of the banks (savings from investing more wide open the Deep Throat's mouth.

"They 'loved us back' so much that they didn't even mind that all the companies and factories that employ us dolts--who used to love the democrat party and worshipped FDR--that they didn't mind when all the maker's of the record-recall-winning American automobile manufacturers and other industries in this country who love us folks who all the liberal prima-donnas and rock stars lovingly call 'deplorables who cling to their guns and Bibles--well, they didn't mind that all the CEOs kept all the federal 'our' money, didn't bring back any of the deplorables to their jobs that they fired faster than a new bride gets out of her nightly on her wedding night.

"Thank Heaven for that great democrat Prez and his Ivy League award-winning economists/business school rock stars didn't stop there.

"No sir, you can bet my Birmingham boobies, that those guys gave the extra measure of red, white, and blue blood by giving us quantitative easing. That's Ivy League liberal speak for flush every dollar from the U.S. Treasury into your commercial banks and savings and loans--all free to the banks.

"Thank Heavens, because without all their efforts, we would have been on the verge of another bank failure, depression, loose your life savings because of cool liberals in Washington and the Treasury globalists (Go NAFTA! Contaminated Mexican strawberries rule!) meltdown much sooner.

"Maybe the President now will raise the FDIC insurance on bank accounts to ten million dollars from the current 250,000. Certainly do that will protect us all even though at the current 250,000 rate up to 70% of accounts are beyond the federal limit. Just raising the FDIC and printing U.S. dollars faster than a sixteen-year-old sperm donor can contribute while staring at his former English teacher's centerfold that put her through college--just printing as many dollars as sperm cells in a former Mr. Universe's, California's governors Cohoes, that's the ticket.

"I know all that. How do you think I won Miss Alabama? Did you think I did it by letting a judge grab me by the p***y. Well, in fact, I did but that wasn't the deciding thing. No, while I was regularly Brazil waxing I went to Harvard Business School and the London School of Economics!"

"Miss Alabama," reporters said, "collapsed from 36 hours of playing bump the uglies and hide the snack with a man whose woodie was taller than the redwood in La Honda. What really drove her to nervous exhaustion was realizing the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) members are about as helpful as testosterone in a nunnery, and even if medical science had advanced to the point (and federal health insurance covered it) where government employees whose heads were stuck so far up their tushies and glued there with enough super, super glue could have their brains surgically freed from their small intestines--well, even that would be futile, because the exam to join the SEC excludes anyone with an IQ in the positive numbers.

"Anyway, in further news, the notorious MS 12.5 Jefe, El Pendeho, whose machete has seen more blood than the Red Cross did when Pol Pot ran Cambodia, is now President of the United States. He is expected to award medals to the State Highway Patrolmen who captured Wheezy who know carries of with a shlong whose height requires an oxygen mask and own pressurized compartment. Her relatives await her in Flint where she will soon arrive in an electronic bracelet and a gift of bottled water from the Cuban government. Leaders in Havana will fly her family for medical treatment in Havana since American doctors only refer now and don't accept anything but gold bullion from underneath the streets of Zurich."

The new American President congratulated the law enforcement professionals for their bravery and said Honduras's next payment to state and federal authorities was in the mail. He ended his news conference on his way to bring El Chapo some K-Y, a leaf blower, and triple X rated magazine of Brazil-waxed Ms.Guatemala erotically posed in the jungle with platanas, remitted Yankee dollars, and forged social security cards.

El Pendeho ended the press conference by saying, "Viva leaf blowers, Latin American gangs, Homeowner's Associations, criminals from Central America posing as Central New Jersey Roofers. G-d bless America! End aid to Israel. Viva San Juan and Coke, undocumented immigrants in Clinton, New Jersey. Finally, he raised his finger in a V and said, "Fill in that Rio Grande, and tear down that southern wall, New Jersey Legislators, planned communities, Homeowner's Associations, misguided religious organizations, and borough, township, and county apparatchiks everywhere, and Mr. Gorbachev."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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