Don't Judge Me

Funny story written by Rob Barratt

Thursday, 23 March 2023

image for Don't Judge Me
Don't Judge Me

Don’t judge me

I sat down to watch some television
Wondering what was on tonight
I scrolled right through the channels
It was a sorry sight

It was competition-based reality shows
Where judges eliminate you
Where three of them are nice as pie
And the other pretends to hate you

Each programme had a knock-out round
Where people got knocked out
With fake suspense for the results
When contestants cry and pout

I watched The Great British Cake-off, Britain’s Got Crap
And even The Dragon’s Apprentice
But my breaking point was a break-dance
With a dozen dancing dentists

I’d had enough, I grabbed my coat
And jumped upon my bike
Because these kind of shows do not reflect
What life is really like

I cycled into town and
Parked my bike against a wall
I skipped right up the escalator
And entered the shopping mall

Four judges stood and faced me
Standing by a bin
I had to do a little dance
Before they’d let me in

I thought I’d go to Tesco
To get a pack of Guinness
But three Tesco judges grilled me
For twenty-seven minutes

I failed at that so I found a pub
Where I could watch some sports
But four bouncer-judges barred the way
I knew what was in their thoughts

I had to answer twenty questions
About football, golf and hockey
I made it through because I knew
Lester Piggott was a jockey

At half-past ten I cycled home
So cold it made me shiver
I skidded on a patch of ice
And fell into the river

I subsequently died and landed
At the Pearly Gates
And there stood old St Peter
With his three judgemental mates

There were fifteen other contestants
Knocking on heaven’s door
The judges scrutinised us
As we walked across the floor

After questions on religion
And a rather nifty waltz
The judges made their announcement
A litany of faults

There could only be one winner
Was the judges judgemental claim
Fifteen of you will burn in Hell
While one has eternal fame

So I sit down here in Hades
For eternity it seems
The winner went to heaven
To fulfil her heavenly dreams

Now it’s a little hot down here
And the sound of screaming grows
But the worst thing is they make us sit
And watch endless supposedly spontaneous competition-based reality TV shows

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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