A Hindu man from New Delhi has died and come back to tell everyone they’re fucked.
“I thought Hinduism was the one true path! Maybe even Buddhism? Nope! And all the Abrahamic religions are so wrong it’s not funny. Christianity, Judaism, Islam … all of them ker-putt! I saw them all burn, and it’s ugly. They just float in space for eternity – somewhere around Alpha Centuri- and they burn in the vacuum of space, floating farther and farther away from Earth. Julius Caesar is almost at Vesuvius IX! You know how far away that is? About 2000 years at light-speed!
“Who knew, but when you think you’re going to Heaven – or Hell, for that matter – you don’t. You just die and start to float and burn.”
When asked if there was any religion where the believers enjoyed some form of Heaven, the man said, “Oh yes, there’s one, but no one will believe me that it is the ONLY true religion. It’s only worshipped by, maybe, 50 people. It’s a little known fish cult from Papua New Guinea. They are the only ones enjoying 72 virgins and a full all-you-can-eat buffet and free bar and there’s no tipping and the floor show is amazing and everyone who gets up for karaoke has an amazing voice and gets a standing ovation every time! Heaven! For the fish cult, that is … the rest burn, sorry.”
Sad news on the theological front. Where is this fish cult and can anyone join?
“I’ve promised the Great Fish Goddess I wouldn’t tell. They’re so deep in the forest they still have dinosaurs as pets. They’re the happiest people on the planet. No wonder only they have fun in the afterlife and why they need to keep their religion a secret.”
The people of the world will not like this news, but it is the truth. If you don’t belong to the fish cult, sorry, bub, but all that praying and moaning and groaning and hating everyone different from yourself (bigotry begins at home!), then you ain’t going nowhere good when you is dead.
Merry Christmas.
