Scottish Jihadist May Be Lurking in Pub Washrooms

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 28 January 2023

image for Scottish Jihadist May Be Lurking in Pub Washrooms
Oh My! What's Under that Sporran?!

Reports are flying fast and furious, with no confirmation as to whether they’re true, but is there a radical Muslim cabal of jihadists in … Scotland?!

Wha? It’s all speculation so far, but things have been heard, the grapevine is a-buzz, that certain Scottish fellas – well, one at least, someone in a pub, where the following song – or treatise, creed, doctrine – was found behind the urinal pipes, possibly giving hint that the Scots are becoming radicalized …

… unless it’s actually a sexual thing and our top reporter needs to stop getting his stories from men’s washrooms in pubs, and to stop pissing down his pantlegs and missing the bowl completely – put down the fucking pint and write do your research like the rest of us (uh … shit, I’m a little drunk writing this right now, so pot calling the kettle, sorry … please enjoy this little ditty about a fella who wants you to glance under his sporran)

Plaid Jihad

I’m so bad
A Scottish lad
It’s no a fad
Tell mom and dad
I’ll make you mad
Or make you glad
With my pair of nads
In my plaid jihad

Plaid jihad
Explosive kilt
A feisty lad
Who’s really built
Built, baby, built
For the plaid jihad

Look up my clan
To see I’m a man
Such lovely weather
For a roll in the heather
Don’t you go rilin’
The man from the highlands
I’m no a queen
I’m from Aberdeen

You dunna wanna miss
My hefty haggis
From night to mornin’
I flip my sporran
Wanna take it further
We’ll go to Edinburgh
When we hit the dance floor
Watch out for my holy war

I’m a sexy bitch
Wanna scratch my itch
You all wanna know
If I’m goin’ commando
If you’re no a phony
You can pet my Shetland pony
If you wanna wee fun night
Learn to blow my bagpipe

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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