Boogers: they're finger-lickin' good!

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

"Booger" (also "boogie") is the polite name for snot, a free, delicious, nutritious emergency ration produced, without fanfare, by the nasal mucosa in such abundance that individuals swallow approximately 3.48 gallons per day without realizing it.

Boogers are made up of mucin, water, cells, and inorganic salts. Depending upon the size of the serving, a single helping may contain from 10 to 40 calories. Boogers are good to eat whether they are consumed raw, baked, blanched, boiled, broiled, fried, grilled, julienned, sautéed, or steamed. They go well with other body fluids such as blood, spit, vaginal secretions, and semen. One should be careful not to overcook boogers, as they can turn into slime monsters.

Boogers come in a variety of colors, including:

* White, or vanilla
* Yellow, or banana
* Green, or lime.

Lime boogers, although tasty, can be indicative of an infection. People eat boogers without having to be trained to do so; eating snot is a natural and instinctive activity.

Despite differences in color and taste, boogers tend to have the same texture, which some diners have described as "like a slug that's had salt poured over it" or like "a snail trail." Others compare the texture to that of a raw oyster.

A finger food, boogers can be eaten by hand without one's being considered gauche or impolite. Boogers can be eaten year round and require no preservation or storage.

Experts on boogers (those 10 years old and younger) have identified two varieties in addition to ordinary boogers:

  • Loogie - phlegm and spit hocked up (ejected) from the ears, nose, and throat by someone who has nasal congestion
  • Snot rocket - a booger that is shot from the snot-loaded nostril by a forceful exhalation through the nose while the other nostril is held shut or plugged.

Many famous men and women are partial to boogers, among whom are:

* Karl Malden
* Barbara Streisand
* W. C. Fields
* John Barrymore
* Pinocchio
* Paula Jones (mistress to President Bill Clinton)
* Bozo the Clown
* Big Nose Kate (soiled prairie dove)
* Howard Stern

Although it is possible to blow snot through the nose into a folded tissue or handkerchief, it is more fun and disgusting to extract boogers by picking the nose with the finger. Some adults find this practice embarrassing and do so only in private, whereas others, such as Bill Clinton and his mistress Monica Lewinsky are unconcerned and will pick their noses in public as well as in private.

CAUTION: The prolonged habit of nose picking may lead to acne, blindness, and an enlarged nose.

Another way to eject boogers is to sneeze without covering the nose and mouth with the palm of the hand, in which case the snot is expelled in a spray of fine mist.

A few fast-food restaurants specialize in serving grilled or fried snot, one of the best known of which is Booger King, "Home of the Whopper."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more