The celebrity porn actress Stormy Daniels abruptly announced on Tuesday that she's retiring from the spotlight, sending the porn world into a meltdown.
"The politics, the lies, and false narratives finally got me!" she wrote in her Instagram post sharing her decision with millions of male fans.
A survey shows that 99% of the female population has no interest in Stormy Daniels.
Sara Radcliff, a shopper at Goodwill, said, "Yuck! I don't want to see that woman naked. She better stay away from my husband!"
It's most likely that Radcliff's husband has choked the chicken on many occasions while viewing Daniels on film, unbeknownst to Mrs. Radcliff.
As part of her retirement, Stormy Daniels has decided to run an online psychic guidance page for celebrities to help them with issues of love and relationships, their careers, life decisions, and more. Famous people will connect with a spiritual psychic via phone or chat. Her web page will also offer a horoscope section and a mail-order store that will sell her perfume and makeup line. She also plans to operate a ghost-busting service that will include a team of gay priests who specialize in exorcisms.
Daniels already has a few celebrity clients signed up for her paranormal service, including Pamela Anderson, DJ Khaled, Amber Valletta, and Naomi Campbell.
"I suspect that my home-bred roaches are possessed by demons because they wait for my lights to go off before coming out to crawl through my kitchen," says Campbell.
The ghost-busting team uses a holy water, vodka, and olive oil mixture as a natural bug spray for that kind of job. The roaches literally choke to death while saying a Hail Mary.
"I am excited and nervous. And deeply grateful," the self-appointed "Image Architect" told Vogue ahead of her retirement.
"I'm grateful that other celebrities see me as more than just someone who flashes her fanny."
A right-wing radio commentator, Big Man Jones, complains that the sex industry is polluted with individuals who harbor various types of venereal diseases and that nobody in their right mind would dare to date them.
"They're no good, they're associated with organized criminals, and they lie through their teeth about everything," Jones continues. "They're not God-fearing Christians, they're gutter trash," says Jones.
