IZYUM, Ukraine - (Satire News) - The Ukrainian government has just stated that they will be presenting the nation's highest civilian medal to Kristina Pullavinka, 29, who is employed as a dog walker in the town of Izyum.
Miss Pullavinka, who is as flat-chested as the ice skating rink located at New York's Rockefeller Center, said that she has a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a boyfriend, and her paternal grandmother all fighting in the Ukrainian army, so she is proud to do her patriotic duty.
A representative for the Ukrainian military stated that so far Kristi has been able to smuggle a total of 192 bombs to her fellow Ukrainian patriots hidden in her 44-DDDDDDD bra.
When asked by a reporter for BuzzFuzz (Ukraine) if her back hurts, since each bomb weighs 41 pounds she replied, "Oh my, hell yes, each night when I go home I have to have my sister or brother massage my two tits because they hurt like a motherfu*ker."
SIDENOTE: Kristina has never been married, but she giggled as she said that since her bomb-smuggling career, she has had a total of 114 marriage proposals; including one from Ukrainian Colonel Borysko Govadova, Jr.
