THE VATICAN – (Satire News) – The Vatican Voice has just reported that Pope Francis has just issued a sexual mandate to all adult Catholics of the world.
He has said that due to so much sexualized pandemical stuff going around he is mandating that adult Catholics between the ages of 21 and 91, refrain from doing the horizontal hokey pokey, as they call it in Scotland, on Wednesdays or "Hump Day" as it is widely known.
Reports coming out of the US, France, England, and Pisagovia state that sexually active Catholics are madder that hell.
One life-long Catholic woman, Bibi Beerheim, 43, who lives in Oslo, Norway, stated that she is divorced and for the past 9 months she has had sexual intercourse and fellatio with her boyfriend every Wednesday at 8 pm like clockwork (no pun intended).
She made it clear that she is leaving the Catholic Church, because no one is going to tell her when she can have intimate relations with her hunk of a boyfriend.
Meanwhile, in America, Boom Boom News reporter Hacienda Fiddle is reporting that a group calling itself, Horny Adult Catholics of Iowa (HACI) has hired the services of noted attorney Gloria Allred and they plan on filing a $9.3 million lawsuit on grounds of Non-Sequetorial Fucatosis. ■
